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28 Apr 2011

Are you deaf?......It's a simple question yes or no.

Listen to me carefully doggy.
You need tongue reduction surgery
Jumping Jehovas!!!  You shouldn't sneak up on me like that.  What if I'd been carrying a pot of steamed salmon?!  I could have dropped the hot fishy on an elderly man called Alf!  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!......oh you just want a new blog.  Well ok but there are better ways to go about it.  This is out of rhythm with the usual pattern of monday and Friday nights, but I had a lot of work to do on Monday night so it was delayed.  Forgive me,

Right so another email from my placement peeps, they'll be confirming where I'll be residing in the next couple of days I think.  So like an astronomer with nothing better to do, watch this space.  Just to also let you know, my Mum's gone to Cuba today for a holiday.  She randomly just decides to book holidays, it's insane.  I wasn't even told about this one until my sister told me.  I'm going to have serious words about this unplanned holiday planning, it will probably go something like this "вы бедный человек получили достаточный салат в вашем саде" which if she's as well travelled as I think she is, she will understand to mean "you havent got enough lettuce in your garden"  She'll get the message

It's that time of year again when people get hay fever.  For the uneducated readers out there, or as I call them, "'Slovakians" this is an allergy to pollen.  Its typical symptoms include a runny nose, sneezing, itchy eyes and fatigue.  Less common symptoms are a lack of stomach, loss of ability to use torches and left-handedness.  I haven't got it yet which I'm happy to say, I used to get it really badly.  Maybe it's because I used to live in the countryside, now im in a more urban area.  This means there is less rape (the hay fever causing plant) and more rape (the pregnancy causing taboo), so a bag of mixed blessings there.  I thought of a range of remedies for hay fever in my late 30's, it ranged from decapitation of the nose, to lying in a pool of molten ice or a "bath" as I trademarked it.  Neither were too successful, but then I came up with the idea of eliminating the cause.  I hired 5,000 vegetarians to simply eat all the pollenating plants in the UK.  This had a number of impacts.  Firstly, crime went down as less people were beating each other up for being vegetarian.  Dental health improved as canine teeth no longer needed to be used as veggies have nothing to use them on, therefore they lasted longer.  And finally, people with hay fever stopped suffering.  I thought i'd win the nobel peace prize for providing 5,000 people with free food.  Unfortunately that prize had already gone to Jesus a few years back with his loafs and fishes caper.  Pfft, what a load of nonsence, to start with, who was counting these people?  They didn't have calculators back then!  Secondly, Jesus himselft wasn't part of that 5,000 and got no food so he went hungry, no wonder he was so bloody skinny. 

Speaking of the Bible, we're nearly out of toilet paper, must get some more.  I've never understood toilet paper.  They print it with nice flower patterns and give it sweet names like Velvet, Cushelle and give us pictures of cuddly puppies.  I'm sorry, lets not forget what its fundamental use is.  Get back to basics people.  Also, isnt a lot of toilt paper made from recycled newspaper?  Yet when was the last time you saw Wayne Rooney's car crash of a face in your bog roll?  Never, all lies.  Speaking of lies, I would like to make a statement about this dreadful rumour that I break into old peoples homes and cut the brakes on their wheelchairs just so that they plap into the wall when racing to the lunchroom.  Categorically untrue, I don't break in, I disuise myself as the grim reaper, I'm always expected so they let me straight in.

Right so I've got my Froggy friend Davide to film a special message about his thoughts on the Royal Wedding on Friday.  He's a littl eccentric but we love him anyway.  Enjoy peeps!!

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