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2 May 2011

Forget a 3rd runway at Heathrow, land planes on Camerons huge forehead!

Who say's being a geek doesn't get you girls?
LISTEN! I've travelled back in time to tell you that I know where Bin Laden is!  Right you're gunna find this hard to believe but the dude's not in a dark dingy cave, no he's in a mansion!  He's sat in there playing Call of Duty and spin the bottle with his burqa babes....you know?  He's already dead?!  Bloody May Day bank holiday, must have delayed my time travel...hmmm, well I can also tell you that Newcastle will beat Birmingham on Saturday...you watch!

Well chums whats been going on?  I had an argument over the phone today with my phone insurance company.  I was given this insurance when I got my new phone just over a month ago, I didn't want it but they gave it to me anyway, so when I got home I rang them up to cancel it.  They told me they had no record of me being with them.  Low and behold I get billed TWICE by them a couple of days ago.  Not a joyful hare!  Or a happy bunny!  So I rolled up my sleeves, put on my argument hat (The kind Link wears in Zelda) and called them up.  Ahhh so my nemesis this week was called Daniel, and boy was he Irish.  I felt like he was throwing up shamrock as we spoke...whilst playing a harp.  He then saw that I did have a policy and thought I was being silly and didn't know.  So I did my suffocated hyena impression for a further 10 minutes until he agreed to refund me.  Thanks Dan, I couldn't see you but I could tell that your nasal hair needs clipping, I could hear it vibrating in time with the hold music mate.

"An apple a day keeps the Doctor away".  But that's costly.  A better solution would be "A hospital murder history keeps the Doctor away" one knife, one day....forget buying your granny smiths everyday...not practical.  Doctors freak me out, you go in there, sit in their little chair and before you've said ANYTHING they look at you like you're being pathetic and should go home and write to some crap agony aunt called Wanda in a cheap magazine.  I went to my Doc once because my legs kept going numb, and before I could explain anymore she said "Lie on the bed, trousers off".  Excuse me?!  I mean ok yes she was attractive and it would be weird if it was a man, but what was she hoping for?  "I'm just going to check your knee...hmmm yes...definately in the right place."  You cant see numbness!  So I thought she was done, but no she the decided to make it even more stupid by getting a pin and bloody prodding me with it "can you feel that?"  You're assaulting me you bloody bitch!  Get off my legs and go back to unnecessarily shining torches in my eyes and listening to my lungs work.  I like the NHS, but some Docs are better off getting stress therapy before taking it out on me.

So my landlord is currently trespassing on our rented property.  I was woken up by him at 10am shouting through the letterbox.  He knows the stairs can't argue back but he never stops trying.  No but I ignored him because I really couldn't be bothered.  So he just let himself in, which I'm sure he's not allowed to do.  So I went to meet him.  He tells me "theres water pouring out the side of your house so I'm going to have a look in your attic"  Ok thats fine, but then he starts kicking loft insulation crap down onto my face.  Better not be asbestos or I'm wheezing my way right to a solicitor...and probably back to my violent Doctor.  He then emerged, apparently fixed it then went outside to do stuff in the garden.  See he and his wife compained that we hadn't mowed the lawn, this is true.  But, for a good reason.  He gave us a manual, push along mower, you know the kind that had the blades pathetically spinning over and over.  But it was also broken and couldn't slice bread...though we never tried.  He may as well have left us a pair of blunt scissors and a contact lens to collect the trimmings in.  Tell you what, I'm going to pay next months rent with foreign currency.  Lets see how you like 3,772 Guatemalan Quetzals burning a hole in your pocket!

So I've hired my good friend from the north to make a new video for you, I know you'll love him though his voice is incredibly high.  Ciao Bliggoriffic Blooog Bluggies!

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