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23 Jan 2012

The Dutch love tulips, drugs and blogs.

Cheeky Chappies :)
Well well well.  Here we are again.  New year, new era for the blog.  I haven't made a blog since the last week of August and yes I am sorry but I've struggled for time and for want of a better excuse, effort.  But I'm back now and ready to fulfill your lives with your regular dose of my life!  I know you're already drooling at the prospect, so let's get going shall we?                                      Yes, lets

Right so I am well into my work placement now.  Been at the company for 6 months now and still really enjoying it.  A lot like a fat kid likes cake, or a cruiseliner loves rock.  (touchy subject that, I think I'll leave it, I don't want to make waves).  Working in London is getting to me though.  Got on my bus home yesterday and there were about 10 chavvy kids being rowdy at the back.  They can't have been older than 12 but they were having their own little London riot in the back row.  They got off the bus a few stops down and then threw stuff as we drove off.  It made me sad that this country is littered with these pre-pubescent punks that ruined an otherwise delightful day for myself.  So here is my remedy (in list for of course):

  1. Officially change each of their names : Now think about it, 'Johnny Hornsworth' isn't going to be quite so hard when he's suddenly turned into 'Eugene Calculus' and 'Chelsi Stott' turns into "Pinot Noir the 3rd" 
  2. Ultra-vibrating vocal chords:  This causes any mouthy whatsit to sound like a right muppet by causing his voice to sound like he's constantly driving over speed bumps.  He's not going to be shouting abuse at Pensioners anymore.
  3. Remove all innapropriate housing:  78% of all chavs stem from houses populated with far too many brothers and sisters and therefore less discipline and food.  The old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children she didn't know what to do (other than use contraception).  Therefore I dub that all forms of footwear shall no longer be allowed for accommodation purposes, be they High-Top houses or Flat flats.
  4. Dress code for sports shops:  If we make it so that you can only get access to JJB and SportsDirect by wearing clothes OTHER than what they already sell such as a waistcoat, top hat and maybe some trousers that have absolutely no arse revealage, people who gain access may slowly become more upperclass and less annoying...just a theory.\
This weekend my girlfriend and I are heading back to Cambs to see the local Panto which I previously performed in for 4 years.  I may have left but my Mum is still treading the boards.  Panto is great.  Nowhere else can you dress up as a girl and have people shouting "HE'S BEHIND YOU" without having to file a police report.  What I don't like about panto is that it causes disagreements.  You can tell someone a fact and then somebody who clearly doesn't understand the situation will just shout "OH NO HE ISN'T!" and we're then forced to repeat ourselves.  Ignorance has no place in a theatre.  Nonetheless I am looking forward to it.  Going back to Cambs is always special.  I get to go back to the nothingness which is the village of Upwood where I used to live.  Nothingness may be a overstatement, there was once a sighting of a feather.  An old folk tale dictates that Jesus was once spotted in the local church, actually spotted praying to himself.  He's either extremely arrogant or making a rather ironic statement.  Come to think of it...if you had been nailed to a cross and executed, why would that cross be a good thing to represent your religion?  Probably the last thing you'd want to see would be the instrument of torture used to kill you.  It's like the congregation are mocking you.  I mean imagine if JFK was God and people wore a gold rifle on their necklaces, see my point?

So there we go guys.  Hope that will get you back into the swing of things.  You'll be hearing from me again soon  Biffos!