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5 Jul 2011

Return of the Blog 3: The other side of the till

I've hung up my badges for good
C'or you do get spoilt, yet aNOTHER blog for you to feast upon already.  Don't get used to it though, who knows I could just take a leaf from the teachers book and go on strike too...my pension scheme isn't particularly glamourous either you know!  This is the 3rd and final blog of my comeback, returning to the normal rhythm of Mondays and Fridays after this, not sure about this Friday however.  This Friday is the long awaited day when I head up to Oxford to begin my training for my placement.  Got an email today though which said that I will only stay there for 2 weeks, not a month as previously expected.  Looks like some busy times ahead; moving to Oxford, moving to London, blogging and tickling amputees.

So last Saturday was my last shift at the Co-Op.  It was a big wretch to leave I admit.  I've given that store 8 months of work and in return they've given me some really good memories, laughs and some great new friendships....oh and money....oh and 10% off purchases.  Whether its watching the security guard smash a shoplifter against the ice cream cooler with his head bleeding onto the floor, or coming up with nicknames for customers such as 'Venus Fly-Trap' and 'Smarmy', or simply watching your friend getting chatted up by a senior citizen...every shift promised something entertaining.  But life away from the panic button is so much more boring now, I want one more argument with an unruly customer, I want one more drunken fool to come in and argue with the Dorito's and headbut the 'Wet Floor' sign.  At the end of my shift I found myself begging "Let me serve just one more customer...don't take my badge!!", to anybody else it sounds insane, but I really did like that job a lot.  If you can't smile and show you're enjoying your work then you'll find that the shift takes longer and isn't very fun.  So I encourage all workers to wear a jolly face and be more upbeat...unless you're an undertaker.

Drinking on the job
Times change though and you have to move on.  I'm afraid that shop will have to try and cope without me now.  Not sure they'll be able to replace me though, not completely.  Who else would mince around the store, impersonating customers, winding up the supervisors by calling one of them "Dianne" just to annoy him for the whole time I worked there?  But don't you start thinking that I wasn't a good worker, I was superfantastic at reducterising the price of manky old products that nobody wants to buy (but who can say no to some stanky green steak covered in mould when its only 21p?) I could stock milk like a master (even stray cats were amazed by my milk handling abilities) and I could take longer breaks than anybody else.  You wanna try and replace me?  Good luck but you'll find yourself crying by the bins when you realise that you've lost the best and most awe-inspiringly good looking and productive worker you ever had.  Ok so maybe not the best looking EVER, but definately the best looking ever since Gordon Brown stopped working there.

Too cheery to work at the Co-op?
Final day went well though, until one customer came in.  He visited just to say hello on my final shift.  After I'd finished baggin his shopping and giving him his change, he shook my hand and said "It's been a pleasure meeting you, you're a credit to your parents, you really are"  he then took some beer out of his shopping bag and gave it to me.  I was so taken aback that I couldn't focus for a while.  It really actually meant a lot, that I had actually made a difference to that man, he came in just to see me and then did that.  Wow.  It's something that I will never forget and it was a great end to my final shift.  If that man ever finds himself reading this blog, I just want to say thank you and I hope you are well.  Like I said earlier, you can make your work better by wearing a smile and being upbeat, you can have a good time by making good friendships with your co-workers, but it can be those that you affect with your work and your spirit throughout that can really lift your day.  I'm proud of how I conducted myself during my work, no matter how much pratting around I did, I was professional when I needed to be and respectful to everyone.  I may have finished my time there, but I'm taking that knowledge with me.

So I thought that I'd pick up the tone a bit by uploading a video that I recorded tonight.  I went to the beach in the middle of the night with my girlfriend and 2 of my friends from the Co-op.  We got bored so we decided to show my girlfriend what it is like to be dead...so we buried her.

Next week - Cremation

4 Jul 2011

Return of the Blog 2: Espana

My sister, myself and Quasi doing 'The Robot'

You lucky flip-flops!  Getting 2 blogs in one day, I sure do spoil you sometimes.  Think maybe I should stop your pocket money for a month to balance things out, but then again you're still late on buying my birthday present!  Sheesh!  Rude.  Ok so second of my comeback blogs, this one is about my trip to Spain with the girlfriend to go and see my Dad, Grandmother and Sister whom doth reside there.  As usual I kept the dates, flight times and airports a secret from y'all because I know you'd all want an autograph and a sneaky photo with me.  I mean I do love you my loyal blog readers but I'm just simply better than you...wheres your blog? hmm?!

Airport or corner shop?
The date was 19th June (also known as my birthday).  The location, Bournemouth Airport.  Ah now Bournemouth Airport is a joy to behold it really is.  It's sat there in the middle of a field trying to be a big boy airport, but you have to feel sorry for it when you walk in and nobody is there except for a guy serving coffee...to nobody.  It has about 8 flights throughout the whole day but still thinks it needs 6 departure gates, bless, it wants to be a Heathrow so badly!  Alas this wasn't going to be any ordinary flight.  I've flown alone, with my girlfriend and sisters, with my little brat niece and nephews but this time I was flying with my treat of a Grandmother.  She really is something.  Strapped into her wheelchair we whisked her through security where they were fixated on scanning the steel frame with a METAL DETECTOR "yes....it's definately a wheelchair and not some sort of suitcase bomb"  thank you Batman!  We then sat and chilled out with a beer each and waited for one of Ryanair's death tubes to hurtle onto the runway...late too.

The Spanish can only get a suntan round their eyes
Now being with my Nan in a wheelchair has its benefits in some scenarios, not like wandering through the Calahari desert or riding the dodgems, but most certainly in an airport.  We got guaranteed seats next to each other at the front of the plane and a VIP entrance to it.  We got into the back of a van that lifted us into the plane after everyone else, they all clapped and cheered at our entrance, maybe because they were sick of waiting but most likely because they were amazed to see a living blog legend in their midst.  We went vertically upwards towards the sky and above the ground or 'flying' as the kids call it nowadays.  Bit annoyed that Nan demanded the window seat because I like looking at the sea below and imaging crashing into it and thinking about blowing bubbles in the water for days on end.  Landing in Malaga was smooth and non-fatal which was good.  My Dad picked us up and we headed off.

Turns out that grass is the curer of all illnesses!
We stopped at the bar where my sister works and was welcomed by the locals singing Happy Birthday to me.  Very nice way to start off the week.  My girfriend got spoilt rotten during that week, as if a night together in the hot tub with wine and a massive inflatable screen set up by my Dad so we could watch the apprentice wasn't enough she also got to sample San Juan.  San Juan is nuts, it really is.  I wasn't really paying much attention to what my Dad was saying about it but it has something to do with running into the sea to wash your feet then throwing wishes onto a fire that was buring that statue of Quasi (pictured above) because they dont like moustaches or something.  I'll look it up but I think I'm pretty close.  Then a couple of nights later me and Sarah went back to the bar where my sister works to have a meal together to celebrate our 1 year anniversary, paid for by my sister and her boyfriend.  We were given a specially laid out table and free champagne from the owner.  People can be nice after all.

Overall it was a delightful trip, except for the landing on the return journey.  Apprently, Ryanair don't inform their pilots that the planes need to stop before the end of the runways.  We slammed into the tarmac and he smashed on the brakes bloody hard, but not hard enough to stop him missing his turning off the end of the runway meaning he had to turn right around.  If anybody had clapped at the end of that flight then I would have gladly shoved them in the overhead locker...with an irate koala to scratch him.  See this previous blog for full details Click Here.

All for now BliffleBlurgs but heres something that will keep you cheery until next time.  It's just my sister hitting her ex boyfriend over the head with a baking tray XD

3 Jul 2011

Return of the Blog 1: The Girl and the ball

Shhh...We're mimes
Sorry!Sorry!Sorry!Sorry!Sorry!Sorry!Sorry!  Yes I know this blog has been on hiatus for a good while now.  No excuse really other than too much has been going on and I haven't really had the time to do them.  Some of these blogs can take the best of 3 hours to complete if there is a video with them, therefore I'm going to be giving you a few at once with only 1 video.  So much has happened since my last blog, this one will go into the beginning of this break.  When my girlfriend came back from America to move over here.

Ok so, the setting.  It was a dark and gloomy night, and all was quiet.  Nah I lie, it was a beautiful day in Bournemouth, birds be chirpin and kids be playing harmonicas.  I boarded my coach to Heathrow and off I went into the abyss.  I got there far too early because as my girlfriend had randomly decided to fly with an Icelandic airline...AN ICELANDIC AIRLINE?!  Why?  Iceland just cause far too many problems.  With their arrogant volcanoes that just decide to erupt in my face when I need to catch a plane and their woeful economic status, seriously their currency is called the Krona which last time I checked was a rather refreshing beer.  The staff at this airline must be unhappy by being paid in lager so they decided to strike meaning that her flight was LAAATE by a good couple of hours.  It's fine though I just sat in the terminal dressed as a pilot and pretending to write a suicide note, the looks on the passengers faces was priceless, ever so funny but I guess you kinda had to be there.

Spent a good hour on the beach before I got my coach

So I waited and waited some more, then with my crushed and ever so rapidly dying bouqet of roses in hand she appeared.  But huzzah a new issue!  We'd missed our coach and would have to pay £82 to get the next one.  But me being as awesome as I am managed to use the old Honour charm and persuaded the ticket lady to give us 2 free tickets, yes I know I'm a hero...think maybe she was a fan of this blog.  So thank you Mrs Goggins, you get a very rare mention on the blog, something that my many other fans lust for day and night.  Got home, went to bed and prepared for the next day..by sleeping.  I awoke from thy slumber in a daze.  For it was not an ordinary day, twas the day of the Summer Ball with another 7,000 set to be in attendance!

Now as you can see from the picture at the top, we decided to go as mimes.  I thought this was a good idea as it meant that I didn't have to spend all 10 hours at the ball talking to idiots about my costume, I could just pretend I was living in a box and weeping an invisible tear...reminds me of my childhood actually.  We got there early and wandered the grounds, munching on crepes, and slurping on jagerbombs.  There were a few other mimes there too, we woulda gone to chat with them but...we're mimes.  We waited for nightfall to arrive so we could watch Hadouken! play.  They were insane.  It was my girfriends first ever gig and she was in the thick of it, at the front, crushed between people, dehydrated and getting thrown about.  She loved it.  After that we ate more crepes and took the night as it came.  Was a brilliant night and cant wait until the next one. 

So thats the first part of what's been going on through this blog drought.  Heres a montage of the ball so you can see what it was like.  Check out Hadouken!