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4 Jun 2011

If time is a drug then Big Ben is a giant needle injecting it into the sky

Rat Dog
Guess who's back...back again.  Allo!  Hope everyone is ok.  Apologies for the less upbeat tone in last weeks blog, stuff was just bugging me.  However, I'm fine now and raring to go with a new superdeluper blog of giddyness and zing!  Calm down though, be patient and I'll get to it.  Can people stop asking me to do shout outs please, I don't tend to mention specific people in my blog unless I think it's absolutely necessary.  I know if I do a shout out for one person then I'll have to do it for you all, then the blog will be very boring.  Sorry but that's my policy.  You've got a better chance of being raptured on October 21st.  Oh Mr Camping, you are funny.

Verrry busy month ahead.  June is always an insane month for me.  Currently my plans involve; picking my girlfriend up to start her life here in the UK, go to the Summer Ball which should be insane, go to Spain to see my family over there, finalise my housing arrangements in London and start getting ready to move to Oxford for my month of training.  A lot.  But add to that my other standard activities of taming a jackal, recording my own sitcom and writing my weekly love letters to Lightning from Gladiators.  Hectic.  But at the end of the day I can get home, jump into the tub with my Tesco value bubble bath, chow down on the sumptuous delicate cuisine of a £1 quiche and relax listening to the music of Vivaldi on my Fisher-Price cassette player.  Now isn't that just perfection?  I know you're all probably jealous of my delicately balanced lifestyle of work, rest and play but we can't all be a superstar stud-muffin can we?

Had an awful shift at work today.  Got a terrible backache.  Most likely from necktorectomy I had earlier.  I know you're thinking "Dave?!  You removed you neck??  But after your eyes, tongue and spare ribs, that's the best part of you!"  I'm afraid it had to be done.  You see I keep getting really hungry at random times, and I though a good remedy for getting rid of my food cravings is to make the journey from mouth to stomach shorter, thus satisfying my linger of hunger faster.  There are downfalls to this however, for example should I get knocked unconscious by a crazed yak with an anger management problem, without my neck and because my wrists are covered by my sweatbands there is no way of checking my pulse.  Therefore I have prepared myself for the possibility of being buried alive, I shall take the following items with me at all times...
  1. Dog - Companion and as it will probably die before me, will make a rather comfy pillow.
  2. Packet of M&Ms - I can challenge myself to guess the colour in the dark
  3. Sudoku challenge book - Endless fun for days
  4. Guide to coping with claustrophobia - For reference
  5. First aid kit - I may be dying shortly, but I still dont want a niggling paper-cut distrupting my fun.
  6. Gun - Don't want any other premature corpses trying to steal my M&Ms and my oxygen.
All in all, the necktorectomy has both its advantages and disadvantages,  I may be buried alive but at least I wont be bored.

It's bloody hot!!  Well compared to how it has been lately.  Just being sat in my room makes me sweat more than Lucifer in a sauna.  I'm not too sure about this global warming malarky though.  They claim it's a huge problem and that we must act now to stop it getting worse.  But think about it, do you not think that our friends the Eskimo's (sorry, got to be PC here - Inuit's) really mind about global warming?  They're stuck on a terrain of ice.  Nothing to eat but Ice Cream, nothing to drink but Iced Tea.  Nothing to do but Ice skate and no music to listen to except Vanilla Ice.  BORING!  So bring on global warming, make this earth more bloody fun!!  I for one would love to see the sea levels rise a teensy bit so it engulfs sunderland and not Newcastle.  I want hurricanes to blow away the chavs littering the streets.  I want to see volcanoes erupt into oncoming planes so that when it lands safely then the passengers have a REAL reason to clap.  I hate passengers on planes who clap the pilot after every bloody landing, really does my head in.  He's just doing his job, if he didn't you'd be dead.  You don't call for an encore everytime your bus driver pulls into the depot do you?  I get so wound up by these happy clappies that I get tempted to just take it to a whole new level, following them through the airport, applauding the guys at passport control for correct use of the stamp, cheering for the security guys for feeling me up properly, and giving the baggage trolley a big hand for not exploding.  Ridiculous.

Enough ranting, time for bed me thinks.  I always write these very late at night, but that's when I'm in the zone for spitting out drivvel - I know you love it.  Unfortunately no video tonight as my latest one needs a re-edit.  It's filmed and everything, just needs a few things sorted.  However feel free to browse the archive of past blogs for your pleasure.  Much love Blurg Blecks!

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