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11 Mar 2012

Pigeons are rats with wings - Proof of evolution

Last day at school....last day I set foot in a library
Whats up people?  Back again in 1 week?  It's as if I've actually got back into the blogging malarky.  We'll see how things go, don't start writing an obituary for this blog just yet.  I've actually made a video for this blog which I haven't done in a while and I know that it's some peoples favourite bit.  I put far too much effort into this sometimes, but I'm glad you appreciate it.  Anyway, in the words of Prince Phillip "On with the rest of the blog!"

People often say to me "David, your hair is mighty nice, but it does make you look like a 13 year old Polish immigrant" and to that I say' thank you' but die a little inside too.  I've had my hair this way for years.  I've experimented with different styles a few times.  I've thought of growing it, but I dont like that phase of it being between short and long, you know.....shlong.  Don't like the thought of being a skin head.  I'd lose all identity.  This is how I am.  But I have thought of ways of adding to that identity.  I've considered getting a can of superglue glued to my face to outline the dangers of adhesives.  I've considered growing a beard, a moustache and a tail but I just cant pull it off.  I've even dabbled with the whole concept of decapitation but that may be a little over the top.

Many of you know that I hate tattoos, simply because people get them under impulse and get stupid things like pathetic little stars in places that people can't see them and mean nothing.  Then you get people who think they're being deep and philosophical by getting phrases such as "live your dreams" or "Life is beauty" on them.  Shut up.  Nobody looks at you and says "oh how right they are!".  No point in whining though, they're stuck with it now.  Life is full of mistakes but like a true genius I've come up with a way of feeling better about yourself when things do go wrong.  You can write a song, go for a walk or cry.  But trust me, if you do this then it will work miracles.  Get....A...Lava Lamp!  Seriously, I've never met a suicide victim who owned a lava lamp....come to think of it, I've never met a suicide victim....hmmm.  The point remains however that you can gaze into one of these things for hours pondering the big questions such as "what is that lava made of?" and "it's in 5 little globs and OH MY GOD 2 OF THE GLOBS JUST BECAME ONE!" it's sure to make you cheer up.  And the possibilities are endless; divorcees may patch things up when they realise that super-heated globs can merge after such a turbulant journey, sharks may become less ill tempered and maybe all that Isreal and Palestine need is a lava lamp!

Whilst you're pondering these facts, feel free to watch the video I've made for you.  Not as long as the older ones but I'm sure you'll appreciate the effort.  From my brain and into yours, until next time chums.....


6 Mar 2012

Walkin the mile, walkin the GREEN mile...

This should be classed as assault
Well hey there gang!  Again, haven't really written on here for a while but I've been given a lot of nice compliments by those who are missing it so thought I'd write back to you.  The pressures of being a blog celebrity are really starting to hit me - especially in London.  I can't go to the local shop to buy figs without being sworn at through loyalty.  I can't stand in line at McDonalds without having someone throw their McNuggets at my face through passion.  And I can't even walk down Fleet Street without a riot starting in my honour.  I do love my fans but calm the hell down!

So what's been going on.  That's me asking myself.  I'm not asking you.  I do not care about you.  If I cared about you then I'd be on your blog and not sat here typing on mine so you can get your fix.  Get a life.  I'm kidding of course.......you have no life.

Because that's not exploitation...
Went to Brighton with my girl a couple of weeks ago.  For those of you without knowledge of the UK or a working Gaydar, Brighton is (supposedly) the land of the homosexuals in the UK.  A little like the France of Europe.  To be fair it wasn't too different from Bournemouth in many regards....except I did pass a gay sauna and a road called Dyke street.  Come to think of it, I didn't see a single nun whilst I was there - strange.  We got to our hotel which was pretty decent for the price I paid.  Plus, it wasn't your run of the mill "I'm a hotel, I don't care what you think"places, no this one can read your mind and adjust itself to assist you.  I had a shower the night we got there and I notced 2 dispensers on the wall which looked to contain some sort of cleansing fluids.  But how could I be sure?  I immediately got out of the shower, bemused and befuddled and spent the rest of the night wondering "What if I had just gone for it and used them?  What if they contained nun repellant?" When we got home after the second day, low and behold....THE DISPENSERS NOW HAD LABELS ON THEM!  The hotel - it knew.

We spent some time on the pier and in the video arcade.  Now I do like arcades.  I like the pathetic thought that you are somehow "winning" when five 2p coins cascade out of the machine after you've put £5 in.  What I don't like is when you go to a machine, you spend about 2 minutes there and suddenly your scent has been picked up.  Along flock the gaggle of annoying kids who stand there gazing at me playing.  Hoping that I'm going to go "Oh here, take some of MY money and spend it yourself you annoying little tax man", and they think they will get this reward by trying to give me advice on a bloody 2p machine!!!  "Oh you need to time it right"  OH IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?!  WELL THANKS FOR SAVING ME SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY THERE NEWTON!  I WAS MAKING THE MISTAKE OF JUST BITING THE WINDOW IN THE HOPE THAT A COIN WOULD FALL!  GO AWAY YOU ANNOYING TWERPS!!!

The sea.......that's it
And back to a normal heartrate.  My girlfirend and I spent our final hour in Brighton on the new observation wheel they have there.  I don't really like heights and I'm not sure that the fact that it's new is good or bad.  Is it good because it means all the parts aren't worn and work brilliantly?  Or is it bad because maybe they haven't spotted a fatal design flaw yet?  Maybe budget cuts meant they only had enough rivetts to hold it together for 1,486 rotations and then I jump on at the next one and hey presto I'm on a stray hub cap flying down a motorway.  Pretty much a pointless argument because nothing bad happened.  But I do wonder why they place observaitonal things near the sea.  The wheel, telescopes etc.  Other than perhaps the sky, the sea has got to be one of the most mundane, boring places to "observe".  Yes it's relaxing for a bit and a nice view until a kid on a rubber dinghy gets caught by a rip-tide, but all in all....it's just water.  I don't get my binoculars and stare into a bottle of Volvic for half an hour.  And people say things like "oh theres something about being by the sea"....well what the hell does that mean?  Theres something about being in a sauna full of gay men, theres something about being in an arcade with a lot of potential punching targets, theres bloody something about Mary!  Don't just say stupid things like that! 

Well enough ranting for one evening.  I hope you're all having a nice time in your own little lives (when you're not dying to know about mine).  I'm sure I'll be back before long.  Alfie De Zane!

23 Jan 2012

The Dutch love tulips, drugs and blogs.

Cheeky Chappies :)
Well well well.  Here we are again.  New year, new era for the blog.  I haven't made a blog since the last week of August and yes I am sorry but I've struggled for time and for want of a better excuse, effort.  But I'm back now and ready to fulfill your lives with your regular dose of my life!  I know you're already drooling at the prospect, so let's get going shall we?                                      Yes, lets

Right so I am well into my work placement now.  Been at the company for 6 months now and still really enjoying it.  A lot like a fat kid likes cake, or a cruiseliner loves rock.  (touchy subject that, I think I'll leave it, I don't want to make waves).  Working in London is getting to me though.  Got on my bus home yesterday and there were about 10 chavvy kids being rowdy at the back.  They can't have been older than 12 but they were having their own little London riot in the back row.  They got off the bus a few stops down and then threw stuff as we drove off.  It made me sad that this country is littered with these pre-pubescent punks that ruined an otherwise delightful day for myself.  So here is my remedy (in list for of course):

  1. Officially change each of their names : Now think about it, 'Johnny Hornsworth' isn't going to be quite so hard when he's suddenly turned into 'Eugene Calculus' and 'Chelsi Stott' turns into "Pinot Noir the 3rd" 
  2. Ultra-vibrating vocal chords:  This causes any mouthy whatsit to sound like a right muppet by causing his voice to sound like he's constantly driving over speed bumps.  He's not going to be shouting abuse at Pensioners anymore.
  3. Remove all innapropriate housing:  78% of all chavs stem from houses populated with far too many brothers and sisters and therefore less discipline and food.  The old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children she didn't know what to do (other than use contraception).  Therefore I dub that all forms of footwear shall no longer be allowed for accommodation purposes, be they High-Top houses or Flat flats.
  4. Dress code for sports shops:  If we make it so that you can only get access to JJB and SportsDirect by wearing clothes OTHER than what they already sell such as a waistcoat, top hat and maybe some trousers that have absolutely no arse revealage, people who gain access may slowly become more upperclass and less annoying...just a theory.\
This weekend my girlfriend and I are heading back to Cambs to see the local Panto which I previously performed in for 4 years.  I may have left but my Mum is still treading the boards.  Panto is great.  Nowhere else can you dress up as a girl and have people shouting "HE'S BEHIND YOU" without having to file a police report.  What I don't like about panto is that it causes disagreements.  You can tell someone a fact and then somebody who clearly doesn't understand the situation will just shout "OH NO HE ISN'T!" and we're then forced to repeat ourselves.  Ignorance has no place in a theatre.  Nonetheless I am looking forward to it.  Going back to Cambs is always special.  I get to go back to the nothingness which is the village of Upwood where I used to live.  Nothingness may be a overstatement, there was once a sighting of a feather.  An old folk tale dictates that Jesus was once spotted in the local church, actually spotted praying to himself.  He's either extremely arrogant or making a rather ironic statement.  Come to think of it...if you had been nailed to a cross and executed, why would that cross be a good thing to represent your religion?  Probably the last thing you'd want to see would be the instrument of torture used to kill you.  It's like the congregation are mocking you.  I mean imagine if JFK was God and people wore a gold rifle on their necklaces, see my point?

So there we go guys.  Hope that will get you back into the swing of things.  You'll be hearing from me again soon  Biffos!