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6 Mar 2012

Walkin the mile, walkin the GREEN mile...

This should be classed as assault
Well hey there gang!  Again, haven't really written on here for a while but I've been given a lot of nice compliments by those who are missing it so thought I'd write back to you.  The pressures of being a blog celebrity are really starting to hit me - especially in London.  I can't go to the local shop to buy figs without being sworn at through loyalty.  I can't stand in line at McDonalds without having someone throw their McNuggets at my face through passion.  And I can't even walk down Fleet Street without a riot starting in my honour.  I do love my fans but calm the hell down!

So what's been going on.  That's me asking myself.  I'm not asking you.  I do not care about you.  If I cared about you then I'd be on your blog and not sat here typing on mine so you can get your fix.  Get a life.  I'm kidding of course.......you have no life.

Because that's not exploitation...
Went to Brighton with my girl a couple of weeks ago.  For those of you without knowledge of the UK or a working Gaydar, Brighton is (supposedly) the land of the homosexuals in the UK.  A little like the France of Europe.  To be fair it wasn't too different from Bournemouth in many regards....except I did pass a gay sauna and a road called Dyke street.  Come to think of it, I didn't see a single nun whilst I was there - strange.  We got to our hotel which was pretty decent for the price I paid.  Plus, it wasn't your run of the mill "I'm a hotel, I don't care what you think"places, no this one can read your mind and adjust itself to assist you.  I had a shower the night we got there and I notced 2 dispensers on the wall which looked to contain some sort of cleansing fluids.  But how could I be sure?  I immediately got out of the shower, bemused and befuddled and spent the rest of the night wondering "What if I had just gone for it and used them?  What if they contained nun repellant?" When we got home after the second day, low and behold....THE DISPENSERS NOW HAD LABELS ON THEM!  The hotel - it knew.

We spent some time on the pier and in the video arcade.  Now I do like arcades.  I like the pathetic thought that you are somehow "winning" when five 2p coins cascade out of the machine after you've put £5 in.  What I don't like is when you go to a machine, you spend about 2 minutes there and suddenly your scent has been picked up.  Along flock the gaggle of annoying kids who stand there gazing at me playing.  Hoping that I'm going to go "Oh here, take some of MY money and spend it yourself you annoying little tax man", and they think they will get this reward by trying to give me advice on a bloody 2p machine!!!  "Oh you need to time it right"  OH IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?!  WELL THANKS FOR SAVING ME SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY THERE NEWTON!  I WAS MAKING THE MISTAKE OF JUST BITING THE WINDOW IN THE HOPE THAT A COIN WOULD FALL!  GO AWAY YOU ANNOYING TWERPS!!!

The sea.......that's it
And back to a normal heartrate.  My girlfirend and I spent our final hour in Brighton on the new observation wheel they have there.  I don't really like heights and I'm not sure that the fact that it's new is good or bad.  Is it good because it means all the parts aren't worn and work brilliantly?  Or is it bad because maybe they haven't spotted a fatal design flaw yet?  Maybe budget cuts meant they only had enough rivetts to hold it together for 1,486 rotations and then I jump on at the next one and hey presto I'm on a stray hub cap flying down a motorway.  Pretty much a pointless argument because nothing bad happened.  But I do wonder why they place observaitonal things near the sea.  The wheel, telescopes etc.  Other than perhaps the sky, the sea has got to be one of the most mundane, boring places to "observe".  Yes it's relaxing for a bit and a nice view until a kid on a rubber dinghy gets caught by a rip-tide, but all in all....it's just water.  I don't get my binoculars and stare into a bottle of Volvic for half an hour.  And people say things like "oh theres something about being by the sea"....well what the hell does that mean?  Theres something about being in a sauna full of gay men, theres something about being in an arcade with a lot of potential punching targets, theres bloody something about Mary!  Don't just say stupid things like that! 

Well enough ranting for one evening.  I hope you're all having a nice time in your own little lives (when you're not dying to know about mine).  I'm sure I'll be back before long.  Alfie De Zane!

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