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29 Mar 2011

A four legged car full of chips

Calum and Me in Cyprus, not sure why
we're in the kids play area...
BUT IM RIDING A HORSEY!!
Hello my little goose-monkeys.  Glad to see you're back, have you lost weight?  Let me start by saying that this post will nothing to do with a four legged car full of chips, I just like random titles.  Its Monday night so naturally its a brand new blog for you guys, they come out Monday and Friday nights, that way my week is chopped into nice little brain sized chunks.  Right...to the blogmobile Robin! 

(I apologise to all those who's name isn't Robin...you can still read this anyway) Right so I wasnt feelling great over the weekend.  I slept throughout most of Saturday, I think it was exhaustion from the lack of sleep, and the traveling from the day in Oxford before.  Either that or I went insect hunting and caught a bug.  Feeling ill isnt great is it?  It makes you appreciate things much better when you're well.  Not to fear though for I have a remedy for illness.  First, drink some cactus juice, it may taste fairly sharp but its will help you survive if for some reason you end up in a desert, global warming is always worse when you're ill.  Next get some vodka, gin and rum and tie them to the ceiling, this will lift your spirits.  After that you need to increase your iron intake, start with some creased shirts and then work onto the easier things like socks and shoes.  Untie those shells you've been keeping in the fridge, this will help to loosen your muscles.  Finally touch a bill for illegal parking and you should feel fine.  Simples.

Ok enough of the pun-ishment...for now.  Some people can't understand puns but I bloody love them.  Right so today I was sat in the lecture theatre, wearing my eager cap which looks rather snazzy.  Buzz buzz goes my phone, fortunately it was before the lecture started so I answered it.  It was one of my interviewers from Friday asking to speak to me, I told them that like some expired herbs that it was a bad thyme.  They said they'd ring back after my lecture.  And by golly they were true to their word.  I spoke to them a couple of hours later and they just asked me things like how I thought my interview went etc and what I was interested in working as in the company.  Chief Executive didn't go down well so I changed my answer to 'General plum who will do whatever for money".  Unfortunately that position was also already filled so we just moved on to the next topic.  At the end of the call they said "Expect a call very soon" so fingers crossed.  My interview on Friday must have gone well to get another call back, either that or its just a dirty mind trick, just like when I applied for that clock makers job, they wound me right up!  grr......little lion impression for you there.

Long live 111 HON
I really miss my car.  Its been a year a half since I last drove and my car went to the great garage in the sky...or scrapyard if you will.  It wasnt exactly a Rolls Royce but it was the most awesome car ever.  Those of you who ever rode in it will remember its many quirks from its extremely low roof to its wobbly speedometer.  I passed my test 1st time with 3 minors, people say its cheating to have 3 kids helping you but I dont care.  The first full day after I passed I drove my mates to Stevenage for my friend Lisa's birthday, it was a brilliant night.  Since then, my driving days were brilliant.  Never crashed, never caught speeding, never damaged it.  It was just old.  When it passed away I was very sad.  Putting it in the back of a hearse was a labour but it was small enough to just about fit.  The priest said that he had run out of gas for good (which was a lie, it was the catalytic converter).  But I miss being so mobile, I just have to make good with my legs now...how old fashioned.

I thought I'd write you a limmerick to end this blog, this is completely off the top of my head, so bare with me...

There once was a man named Clive
Who never had the nack to drive
He smashed his head
And ended up dead
Because the driver was his wife

A little sexism at the end there.  But like the Bible says...Thats all bloggeriffic blog bloggies!!

In Hurn if you lose by more than 5 goals at Fifa, this is your punishment...
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26 Mar 2011

Universe City


   
Yeah I'm an Aquabat :)

Howdy bloggy bambini's.  Glad to see you again.  Spose you're all dying to know how my last few days have gone, including my job interview in Oxford.  Well, sit back, relax, open a beer, look in the mirror to make sure you're not a vampire and enjoy yet another one of my divine entries.  Seriously, I think I have more frequent posts than the Royal Mail...controversial.

So Tuesday morning I met up with my other 2 team members for our presentation, we hearsed and re-hearsed to make sure it was as good as can be.  And to my surprise it went really well, the lecturer seemed keen on what we were talking about and I just hope it gets us a good grade.  If not then like a fat guy in a casino, it's no big deal.  I'll just run trampoline business, i'm sure that will help me bounce back.

Wednesday and Thursday I just worked and prepared for my interview.  Today was the day I went to it.  Got up at 6am, (thats 11pm in dog years), got a bus to the coach station and got on the coach which was freezing cold.  I was hoping to get some sleep on the 3 hours journey but oh no, the man sat behind me kept sniffing and sneezing like he was sat inside a giant pepper mill.  Plus these weren't any old sneezes they were the loudest sneezes I've ever heard, like "ATCHOO!!" <----- like that.  He got off at Southampton, much to my relief.  Unfortunately he was replaced by an Indian woman and her whiney kid, though he soon shut up and sat still (they say to only use the hammer in emergencies, but I really wanted to sleep), but then his mum started vomiting every 2 seconds, FOR 2 HOURS, thats 3,600 convulsions in total!  Not to worry though, once she was done she did the honourable and dignified thing of putting the very full bag of lunch liquid under her seat which then rolled in the gangway for everyone to see.  My blood was boiling, well it would have been if the coach wasnt so bloody cold!

After that I thought my day was going to go horribly wrong.  I now had 3.5 hours to kill as I didnt want to risk getting a later bus.  I popped into Phones 4 U and asked when I could get an upgrade.  45 mins later I got a new Blackberry, so that cheered me up.  I got something to eat and had a coffee whilst sorting what I was going to say and do in the interview.  I planned well ahead and booked a taxi to the place 30 mins before the interview, sounds good right?  Yeah, until you get the foreign driver who not only decided to give me sightseeing and tourist information for the whole journey, he took me to the wrong bloody place!! Fortunately, he also forgot to turn the meter on and asked for only a fiver so that was good.  I ran to where I needed to be and got my breath before heading in.  The interview itself went really well, I wont go into details but the people seemed friendly and the job is something I'd definately be interested in.  Plus, Oxford is such a beautiful city, I was jaw punched..... chin hit....gob smacked, thats the one.  Afterwards I rewarded myself by buying a very cheap, very good quality second hand Wii, simply because I miss playing Zelda on it so much.  Me mumbling to myself in a busy shopping centre "I really need a Wii!  I must have a Wii!" got some very strange looks.

So heres hoping that I get the job.  But I have a reversing strategy (or back-up plan if you will) incase it all goes down the pan.  First, I will fashion a new hat out of egg cups, cliche I know but hear me out.  I'll then sell the hat to rich businessmen, because you know how they are, they always want the latest thing, be it an iPad, a Porsche or tax increase.  They also pay big bucks for innovation, so not only will the hat be made of egg cups, but they will also be able to be solar powered.  So you can wear the hat without the need for pesky plugs and wires.  Handy dandy.

So chums, I, like an undershaved upperlip, must dash. Take it easy, new blog on Monday, no need to go all Al Qaeda on me.  Until then bliggeroffic blug bleggo's....

(sisters puppy Trouble Falls over himself)


21 Mar 2011

Warrior of words

Guantanamo Bay's funding has been seriously cut
Welcome back friend.  Take a seat, I'll get Narinda to bring you a drink....Now, what can I do for you today?  A blog?  Well why didn't you say so...silly billy!

An assignment a day helps you work without rest or play.  But after 48 hours of non-stop work for uni and the co-op, I've got 2 assignments done.  Well, for the most part but I've got a presentation tomorrow...so still not completely stress free.  Still havent got a confirmed time for my interview on Friday, but I'm thinking of doing one of those radically over the top things to try and wow them.  You know like the story about the guy who was asked to sell the interviewer a glass of water, so he set his tie on fire.  I'm going to do something similar.  I'm going to wait until they ask me how well I can act under pressure, at which point I shall recite some of Les Miserables whilst being slowly steamrolled.  They must go for that...right?  Infact I'm so sure of it that I've already bought myself a new can of deodorant as a reward for myself.

Well, like a man called Ted covered in sauce made of egg, im exhausted.  I went to bed at 6am this morning, and arose from thy slumber at 9:30.  Went to uni, finished the work.  Submitted it and then came home and slept.  So not really that much to tell you about from today.  But that doesn't mean that you cant have your brain juices infused with joy from this blog anyway right?  Ha, of course I'm right, I'm David Honour, which translates from Thai to mean "He of little height".

So against Sarah's wishes I got my hair cut...FAR too short.  Stupid Barbers.  I speciffically asked for a number 5 clipper cut, not a 5 year old nipper cut.  I look ridiculously young.  I think that when I was born they must have spilt a whole vat of Olay Age Defying cream on me.  But this has it's benefits however.  Before I had my haircut, I was often employed to stand in Toy Shops pretending to be a plastic troll, its good pay, plus they give me all the Brylcreem I could want.  Secondly, looking young, means that the average perceived age of residents of Bournemouth has decreased dramatically.  Local councils have recognised this and have now removed many access ramps and replaced them with drug dealers, they're recognising the youth market for once, and it all helps the economy anyway.

I had a Chinese take away for dinner.  What I like about chinese take-aways, is that theres about a hundred items on the menu, all in their own little section, but the adjectives they use to describe them (often in the form of an Asian country or one of its provinces) prevent us from knowing what the hell it means, however I think that they're all the same anyway; Szechwan chicken, Singapore Chicken, Thai Red Chicken, Malaysia Chicken, Mongolian Chicken, and Peking Chicken, just means  'In sauce...usually spicy"  to me, just pick one, get a mate to pick another and you'll probably end up with the same dish.

Ok ok....you're brains overflowing with satisfaction...so much s that its leaking from your ears.  Like a reformed criminal, I know when I'm no longer wanted.

Take it easy Bloggeriffies

(When Holly couldnt find her milk in Hurn)
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18 Mar 2011

Bend your knees...but the other way


Yes it's everyone's faveourite pic,
me kissing a packaged piglet.
And yes it is real....but dead...
its guts are hanging out and
everything :)
 Well well well, look who's back.  I knew you would be.  You couldn't resist could you?  There's no shame in admitting it though.  Lots of interesting stuff to fulfill your brain with today.  Lets begin shall we?

Ok so first things first.  I got an email today back from that company that I had a phone interview with and they've asked me to have a second interview at their HQ in Oxford next week.  All good stuff...except the dressing up bit.  I suck at actually having to look really presentable.  I dont do smart...in terms of dress anyway.  But I've always been told to make a good first impression, so I think I'll do my Tony Blair impersonation to begin with.  Bound to go down a treat.  Speaking of dressing nice...I dont care what the hell Kate Middleton's going to wear to her wedding, as long as she doesnt leave Billy boy standing at the altar then thats all I care about...infact im not sure I even care that much about that either.  I just want the bank holiday.

So 2 days and 3 nights left to get 2 assignments finished, lovely.  But this stuff is boring the hell out of me, I mean you know its bad when you're sat counting the left over noodles remaining from last nights £1 Tesco value sweet chilli chicken noodle microwaveable meal...did I mention I'm a student?  News flash by the way.  I've decided to switch from doing my online shopping from The ASDA Man to The Tesco Man...sacrilege indeed but there are reasons for this.  Firstly, Mr ASDA wants to charge me £5.50 for delivery when they used to be £3.50 sometimes, this price no longer exists.  I didn't realise they were shipping from Benghazi, hence the increase. Sir Tesco however is hovering around £4.50 which is some improvement.  Secondly if you book with Lord ASDA after 10PM then you cant get it the next day, but i booked with Count Tesco at 2AM and he had it on the doorstep at 9AM.  Clearly the smart price staff members are incapable of bagging 30 items in 7 hours.  So Waltons, you've lost a customer there.  I expect a hearfelt apology soon. 

Another question I've been hearing a lot from you guys is "Dave, are you REALLY the largest producer of candles in Western Europe?" I know a lot of rumours have been circulating that the Belgian Army is better at it than me but this is simply untrue.  I can produce many-a-candle.  From scented (such as the refreshing 'Morning Breath Breeze' to the uplifting 'Eau du unflushed Toilette") I also produce wireless candles and flameless candles.  I'm thinking of bringing out a catalogue of my candles, it will be called Wick-ipedia.  Catchy no?

It's Red Nose Day!  The telethon is already on and I hope you've donated.  If not then either do so or get a bundle of cash, and rig some sort of king size ruler to fling the bundle towards Africa, if it doesn't reach then I'm sure some happy tramp will pick it up and take it to Africa for you...after expenses.  Giving money away to help others is aways good, like paying taxes, or putting into a Northern Rock bank account...which nowadays is technically the same as paying taxes...controversial.

So there we go my dear Bloggies.  Read over and over until your hearts content.  Feel free to browse the archive too if you want a refresh on what I've been doing.

Until next time, like an anti-semite in an auction house, i bid you adieu.

(Me and Lara in Hurn last year)
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16 Mar 2011

A great philosopher once wrote "Naughty Naughty"

Some fundraising fancy dress thing at Longsands. Good times
'tis Red Nose Day on Friday and I think we all know that theres a new cause that needs to be donated to now.  For all those who are confused, a Tsunami isnt what Newcastle United supporters refer to themselves as.  Its really bad, I dont think anybody could have seen it being this bad.  If you do wish to donate to the cause then 08450 53 53 53 is the number you need, alternatively visit http://www.redcross.org.uk/ I've already donated.

So yes more work blah blah blah, but its ok, i'm flicking between emotions of "uggggh so much work, so little time" and "ugggh so much time, too little to do."  Basically I really cant get into the work I need to do.  Don't know why.  I think maybe if I clean my room after work tonight it will help me be more constructive, I hate being in an untidy room.  After all they do say a happy room is a room that you're likely to do essays in...or something like that.  So yeah, I'll let you know how that goes. 

Sarah really wants me to grow my hair.  But I just dont think it suits me.  It wont stop me looking like a 12 year old, I'll just look like a 12 year old bassist from some crap band called...hmm whats a pathetic name for a band trying to be cool..."Loose Change". 

Right, so I know a lot of you have been thinking "Dave, you're such a great guy with so much potential and drive, yet how do you manage to remain so handsome?" well my dear readers I'll let you in on a little secret.  It's no secret lotion or potion, heck its not even Dove.  No, its a simple technique that I learned many years ago whilst on my travels with the Shaolin Monks.  They said to me "Master Honour, whilst you have taught us how to live our life amazingly well, we wish to tell you how to keep your awe inspiring good looks.  You must make a drink, this drink must be made from the meat of a female sheep, the blood of a sting-ed and wing-ed insect and infused together."  And that my friends is how i stumbled upon the secret of BeeEweTea.  Feel free to take my teachings and use them yourself.  Foot and mouth was a myth invented by mineself to save the stocks of sheep meat for my own use.

I am also reknowned for being the inventer of such things as; the zip, flapjacks, the apostrophe, Zimbabwe and Christianity.  Edison? Dyson? Gates? Pffft, they have nothing on me.  I'm currently constructing my latest invention, an auction website, where people buy things that others have by bidding higher than other people, it's only in development at the moment, but a little sneakpeak is that it will be called 'E-getotherpeoplesthingsbay"  Catchy no?

Well I know you all have an appetite for much more of Daves Delicacies, but for now you'll have to settle for some Honour d'Ĺ“uvres.  Leave them wanting more, but dont go anorexic on me now, you can feast again in another few days.

Time flies when you're enlightening others, got to go Bloggeriffic Blog Bloggies.

(This video reminds me of the first time I saw my Sarah in the flesh, brilliant advert)

10 Mar 2011

Planes, trains and brains...

First night out in Bournemouth during freshers.
Well it certainly has been a magnificant potato of a day toay.  Got so much done.  See that's my problem, when I work I can get a lot done, but it's having the initiative to actually START working that I lack often.

So I spent the day in Southampton Airport.  No I wasnt travelling to Islamabad, I was doing research.  For those of you who don't know, this was so I could carry out research for my 5,000 word mini dissertation.  Stupidly, I made this project much harder than it needed to be by choosing a bloody hard subject to research - Air Travel.  I might as well have chosen to research Muammar Gaddafi's views on shoelaces.  Anyway, I got to the airport around 1pm and actually found that people were so co-operative (brand placement there).  I got the majority of my research done in a few hours, just need to get a few more questionnaires filled out and then thats that part done dusted.

Once I'd finished, I headed back on the train to Bournemouth, although I was really tired so I thought I'd take a nap for 2 minutes.  Unfortunately I forgot that being asleep prevents me from checking the time.  So I opened my eyes and saw that we were in Bournemouth station, "Bejeezus!!" I exclaimed and rushed to the exit as it was closing, just missed it.  Fortunately the guard wrote on my ticket to let me get off at the next stop and come back for free.  What a nice chap he was...although he did sign my ticket 'A.Guard', not sure how credible that would have been if it was checked.

No I know that its not 1955, and there is no severe energy crisis, but I've found that a hot water bottle is surprisingly nice!  I mean...its awesome!  HEAT!!  Which is a rarety in this house.  So I'm delightfully comfortable and warm at the moment. 

Oh and can I point out that the news has been doing my head in lately.  Some of its been getting ridiculously stupid.  I really don't care about Mr Sheen (Charlie, not the wood polish).  All these news stories about him are getting so boring.  Front of every newspaper, except the Star and The Sport which still only ever rant about Katie Price and Peter Andre.  But who does care?  What difference does it make to us?  2.5 men was cancelled days ago, yet everything he does still makes the headlines and causes mass discussion, get a grip England. 

Bloody Census

So there we go, a delightful day of work, missing stops and complaining about rich quibblesnebs.  Hope everyone out there has had a good day too.  So, blggrffc blg blggis, I bid you farewell for now.  I'm off to free Tibet...the gorilla that I've kept captive.

Ciao

Oh and for those of you who remember, this is the montage I made back in September of our first few weeks in this house.  Enjoy...

7 Mar 2011

Gits and Shiggles...

(Hospital after Ben dislocated his shoulder) Well hey there, hope you like the few changes I've made to the lay out of the blog. I got bored and I though this looked a little better.

I've also stopped the italics because SOMEONE complained...thank you Captain Charisma!

So work work and more work, that seems to be all I ever blog about, but that's pretty much all I've been up to. Not got much done today though as I've not been feeling great. Ho hum, moving on...


So I've been reminiscing lately about old times with old friends. I was thinking about 2 good friends of mine who are now at a different Uni who I spent most of my final few years at school with. We had some brilliant times together, notably making rubbish podcasts together in our spare time, we knew nobody else would listen but they made us laugh. I still have them all on my laptop and I listened to them today. Very funny guys. If you're reading, I salute you. Sadly we've moved on with our lives now and I havent seen them for at least 9 months and don't know when I'll see them again. But at least I have those podcasts to remember those times by.

Speaking of friends moving on, Ben has informed me that he's not going to be in this house much for the rest of the year, he's moved back to Barcelona, got a job and has a summer job lined up in America. Moreover he's thinking of changing University next year because he wants to do a course that BU doesnt offer. Good for him. I'm glad he's taken that initiative to move forward with his life. It does suck for me though because he's been a really good friend and someone that I cant replace. But I wish him all the best and hope he'll pop back soon.

Sarah's got herself a job in Yanksylvania, at a supermarket...hey dont make fun because I work in a supermarket...well kinda...more of a convenience store. But we're still "Gud with Fud" ;) The co-op has been getting interesting lately, people threatening to quit, others being disciplined and anxiety over mystery shoppers. JESUS CHRIST!!! ITS A BLOODY SHOP!! I don't understand why everyone is getting so up tight over it all, its a tiny shop yet everyone is so stressed about it all of the time, seriously get a grip and just get on with your work.

Went to the casino with Dave and Jon from work last night to spend Daves free bets, it wasnt really a successful night for any of us, but thats part and parcel of going to a casino. I feel sorry for that casino, they must hate taking peoples money, but i'm sure they're responsible and spend that money ethically....like Barclays. BAZOW!!

Right well im off to try and get some more work done if this headache doesnt kill me, I dont know why i've got it...maybe it has something to do with me pissing Ashley Cole off while on my work experience, massive bruise, started red, but now gone blue... you know what thats like dont you Fernando?

There you go, once again you must be left completely satisfied my bloggeriffic blog bloggies

Until next time...

3 Mar 2011

Stephen Hawkings Football Boots....

(Me and Ben in Hurn last year...very good times)
I think I'm gunna start each blog now with a random picture.
Dont ask about the title,I called it that I just couldnt think of a better name.
So things have been....OK lately. Ups and downs. But overall I'm good. Been catching up with this uni work as well as I can but I'm still a bit behind. Need to get really stuck in one day and just go flat out trying to get as much done as possible, eliminating all distractions, no TV, no facebook, no food, no breathing, but maybe a little music. Speaking of music, I'm currently listening to Michael Jackson's "Thriller".... what ever happened to that guy anyway? hmm...


I had a phone interview yesterday with a company that I'm looking to work for next year for my placement. They're Borro.com, you may have seen a few of their ads on webistes. Basically they are the worlds largest online pawnbroker. People send them assets such as a car, jewellery, watches etc and they store that securely until you pay back the money that they lend you. If you dont then I'm afraid you're not seeing your Nissan Micra again. Which could be fortunate. Mind you I'd love a car right now because travel is costing me a bomb, rail fares are going up, fuel prices are increasing so the bus and coach fares are follwing suit. I mean I ramble to the yanks about how their country has so many things wrong with it, but if i could change something here then it would be the transport infrastructure. I mean they're all for us using mass transport to reduce CO2 emmisions but they just dont make it a good alternative when the prices are so high. Dericulous.






If I was David Cameron (with my little bitch Cleg) I'd do the following...






1. Get the hell outta afghanistan instantly. Every last British troop sent home. You want defence cuts? Then stop wasting your ammunition, arms, vehicles and other resources on a pointless war, not to mention the lives you're wasting. My aim would to just hire an Afghan dude to just walk around for a year and look for potential places where Osamy Boy could be hiding, then its simples...run in there with a backpack and blow the hell outta them. Taste of their own medicine me thinks, and a taste of their own blood.


2. Stop education cuts and tuition fee increase. Now my pet puppy Cleggy promised ya'll that this increase wouldnt happen, yet he layed down and let it whilst Cameron tickled his belly. BAD CLEGGY! This is ridiculous. I know a load of my friends have moaned at me for opposing it because it wont directly affect me. Maybe not directly, but later it might. As it stands we pay just over £3,000 a year which is paid back after we earn over £15k a year. Under the new scheme, you pay up to £9,000 a year which is paid back after you earn £21k a year. People say "well yeah its an increase, but i'll have to be earning more before i have to pay it back" fine, but what about those who dont reach that £21k a year goal, and those who leave the country? You've not only set the pay-back scheme harder on the governments pocket, but you've raised the amount that wont get paid back. Then we're in a higher deficit. But you just keep gnawing on that bone Cleggy.


3. Scrap APD. (Air Passenger Duty) This does my head in, and it's this sort of thing that will be the downfall of a beautiful town like Bournemouth. Air travel is going up and up, and we know what's going to suffer then dont we? The tourism industry, something that this town and many like it thrives upon. You want to help the economy? Then get more people over here to spend money in this country, you cant do that if you're charging people way too much to just get here. I personally think it could be a sly way of preventing emmigration out of here, "We'll hike the prices, so even if they can get out of here, they'll be penniless so they'll come crawling back."...maybe not quite like that. But the govenment has to start looking at things like the Tourism industry if shoreside towns like this are to continue to thrive as they have done in the last half a century.


4 Switch to AV. FPTP isnt fair and it isnt representative of the whole nation. I'm sorry, maybe AV isnt perfect but it's a damn sight better than FPTP. End of.


So there we go, thats my manifesto. If you agree then by all means vote...all you have to do is send £10 in a sealed envelope to my address and your vote will be lodged. For those of you wondering who I'll vote for in the next election. I'm completely neutral at the moment, I'm waiting for someone to show me an acutal reason to vote for them now, I want to see results, not false promises, flashy suits and Cleggy wagging his tail.


Controversial, but politics always is.


Hope i've got my keys because I'm blogged out....pun based comedy there...


Until next time bloggeriffic blog bloggies....




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