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31 May 2011

Understand that friends come and go, but for the prescious few you should hold on...

This is how things were, not anymore unfortunately :/
Hello my blog buddies.  Thank you to all of you who have commented so nicely about this blog lately, it really means a lot.  Some people who I really didn't expect to take an interest in this blog have told me that they read it.  Thank you.  Still no sign of my Nobel Peace Prize for bringing world wide Nirvana to all who read this blog...bloody postal service!

First, a happy note.  It's my sister's birthday today.  She's 24 and whilst yes I did buy her a present, a set of unfortunate and purely coincidential and definately unplanned circumstances occurred yesterday.  First of all when getting on the bus to the coach station, in my haste I didn't check what bus I was on, too busy trying to guess the driver's nationality, hints of Polish, Czech and a tad Romanian...always a social faux pas to ask though.  So it took me all the way out of Bournemouth and then back in, whats more is it didn't even stop in the coach station so I had to get off at the next stop and run in order to catch my coach, and it was at this point that I realised that I'd left my sister's present at home.  Lady luck wasn't with me that day, but then again she hasn't been seen with me much lately anyway.  I think she's off with that guy who lives opposite my house...slut.  Don't worry though, my sister stopped crying and threatening to crucify me and we still had a good day.  Went to have lunch with relatives and then went to Jamie Oliver's restaurant in Cambridge for dinner.  Her birthday mainly was focussed around food.  Good for me though as I think student living has made my stomach shrink, so a good reverse liposuction is just what I needed.  Delightful day.

I'm not feeling too happy though.  I think it's the realisation that what you were told by your elders before you left school was true.  The friends you make at school will move on, and so will you.  I see my friends who all went to the same uni and some who are better connected all going off and doing stuff together.  I'm not angry, I'm not jealous.  But you do wonder what they think about it.  Do they remember you?  Did you make any difference to them?  I loved my friends from back then and I still hold them in high regard no matter how little they contact me.  They were a big part of my life and I think it would be silly to let that all go just because theres more miles between us.  If any of them are reading this then please don't think that I'm angry with you, it's just a sad time when you realise that those friendships are dying out.  One friendship I had...a really strong friendship, died about a year ago.  You know who you are, and I know you'll read this.  I'm glad you do.  I'm glad that you can still know what I'm up to.  I'm glad I can still make you laugh.  I try to talk to this person, but despite my efforts, I am rarely listened to.  Every now and then this person will do something, such as liking something I've said on facebook or replying to one of my efforts to talk to them, and it always makes me smile.  Something must have happened between us, but this person would never tell me what it was, not sure if I'll ever know.  Again, though, know that I'm not angry with you, you still mean something to me and I'll still be here if you do want to talk.  Nonetheless, all new friends must enter a legally binding agreement with me from now on including; (yes another number co-ordinated list)
  1. Friend must be present at all my birthdays, ballet recitals and funeral
  2. Friend must have no body odour, but must have an enchanting musk
  3. Friend must speak to me once a week, for a minimum of 48 hours.
  4. Should another rapture be imminent, they must be my rapture buddy.  They are required to take all beatings in Hell first to wear the torturer out.
  5. They must find some chatty, shopaholic girlfriend with a lot of cash to keep MY girlfriend busy while we're down the pub.
  6. They must remain my friend for a minimum of 1,640 years.
Good friends will be rewarded with a Honour Loyalty Card bonus of 50 points which will get you on your way to winning a George Foreman Grill.

Thats the dark side of my blog finished.  One full month left in Bournemouth now.  A lot's going to change over the next few months.  Looking forward to the summer ball though.  My girlfriend and I have decided to go as mimes.  Could be very fun.  Never again will I go into Primark and ask "where are you berets and white gloves?", the look I got off the assistant working there was ridiculous.  Luckily I found a French dentist who happened to have both, but was unwilling to part with them unless I invited him to the ball aswell.  Unfortunately my University is extremely ridiculous and refuses to let anybody with a hilarious accent to the ball, this includes Germans, French, Welsh and recent tonsillectomites.  So I'm still hunting for the gloves and beret.  I've decided to not allow any photo's to be taken of us as mimes, as everybody looks like a mime in a photo, defeating the object.  Also gunna have to make up some mime routines, such as filling in my self assessment tax return, getting a manicure. setting up deckchairs and shopping for mime costumes.  Should be a hoot, like it was when we dressed as owls.

Right this video was filmed last week but my laptop crashed and I lost the edit so I've had to start again.  You better appreciate it! Laters my friends :)
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28 May 2011

You smell like an oven

Nothing humiliating about Panto :p
I'm sorry, don't hate me for being late with this blog yet again.  Just been busy with revision, work and other concerns, but I'll try and get it all back on track ASAP.  Hope you like the picture by the way.  Thats from my fourth year of panto, amazing times.  I wasn't dressed as a girl for the whole thing, I was acting undercover to try and kidnap some kids from a school...quite an awful plotline when you think about it.  Not to mention that this particular panto was Robin Hood, but I don't recall such an act taking place in that story.  I was nominated for a golden globe for my awe inspiring performance but was unfortunately beaten by bloody De Niro again!

So, lets get blogging.  Can I firstly start by referring to the title of this blog which for once isn't just a random line constructed by my brain, this was something that my little neice actually once said to me, kids say the darndest and quite insulting things.  Finished my last exam yesterday which means one thing IVE FINISHED MY SECOND YEAR OF UNI! Which means I'm halfway done.  Now for 1 year of work, it's gone so fast!  I'm going home for a few days to get away from this town of work work work for me.  This place is amazing but the people here are weird as hell.  For example, I went into town today and because I'm a loser I sat alone in a coffee shop, 2 business men sat at the table next to me.  They could have discussed financial forecasts, advertising revenue or even that cute little red head from accounting and I wouldn't have minded.  But just as I'm sipping on my americano I hear "...and of course its been dreadful, my wife has had pneumonia which wasn't great, and I had piles...so not the best week"  oh lovely, yeah you just yabber to your colleague about your medical history whilst I start to convulse trying to drink my java.  Inconsiderate man who sits on his chair strangely.

It's my sisters birthday on Monday, shes 4 years older than me and has been for as long as I can remember.  Bloody hard searching for a present though, her interests are dolphins, nursing, travelling and Christianity.  Hard to combine all 4, and after weeks of searching and nearly giving up, I found the perfect present in town.  It's one of those experience gifts.  I've paid for her to travel to Taiwan where she can nurse a decapitated dolphin whilst walking on water.  Pretty expensive, but I splashed out as a very geneous man called Egumbi from Nigeria has incredibly offered to give me millions of pounds and all I had to do was give him my bank details so that he could transfer the funds!  So flattered that he chose me, must be this blog.  Surprising though as it hasn't exactly been a hit in Africa yet, only one country so far, but you guys can help.  Instead of donating food, water and resources for sustainable farming, why not donate a laptop?  Give them the chance to order their aid from Amazon and Ebay. 

Cheryl Cole...my dream girl, has been axed from the X Factor in America.  Allegedly because they can't understand her Geordie accent.  It's not THAT hard.  I consider myself half Geordie on my fathers side and I absolutely love Newcastle.  But what's confusing about it?  I took my own little yank to Newcastle last summer and the only thing that confused her was watching a gay man mince past us singing "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down" but I just explained that LSD is a hell of a drug.  Every place has its downfalls though, think about it.  Heres a list of places and their downfalls...
  1. London, England - Trying to turn 360 degrees without having you face slashed and your shoes stolen
  2. Cardiff, Wales - Referring to a microwave as a "Popty Ping" (colloquially)
  3. Paris, France - Knowing that the Germans beat the crap outta you.
  4. Berlin, Germany - Knowing that the world still kinda hates you.
  5. Tokyo, Japan - Being the most technologically advanced whilst still not knowing how to cook fish.
  6. Tripoli, Libya - The weather
Just a few there, could probably mention more but I could potentially border on the xenophobic if I wasn't careful.  The only place excempt from any fault is without a doubt the Swedish, they have it easy, in the words of Alan Partridge, "they get up in the morning, have a bowl of swede, hop in the Volvo, play some Abba and drive to IKEA" easy.

Right so to make up for my failure to post a blog on Monday, I've made video for you that shows some of the inside of my room, lucky.  Don't say I don't do anything for you.  Enjoy Blurg Bliffers!!
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21 May 2011

"Can't" is the cancer of happen

The day we ran out of gravity
Back again my giddy little gremlins!  Blog time once again.  Can my fans please stop sending me pairs of socks as presents!  I'm really greatful and I've tried to please as many of you as I can by wearing as many of them as possible, but I cant get my shoes on anymore.  I appreciate the love, but forget the socks, a generous cheque will suffice.

REVISION TIME!! I've done one exam and have one more next week, I wont say the location or time, because I don't want any fans swamping me during the exam, it's a little distracting.  Trying to write about Services Marketing isn't very easy with half naked girls draped over my desk begging for an autograph.  Just an inconvenience really.  I'll have my pencils thoroughly sharpened to stab any potential gatecrashing groupies.  Revision hasn't been going too well, procrastination is always at my door and I'm constantly letting him in.  He's so persuasive too, he makes me watch random youtube videos, play Zelda and alphebetise my collection of calculators.  I'd go tell the police to get him out of my house, but he'd love that because I'd just be procrastinating even more.  As I speak he's got me at gunpoint making me write this blog instead of revising.

It's now only 20 days, 18 hours, 2 minutes and 17 seconds until my girlfriend gets back to the UK, hopefully for good.  Going to be a little hectic for the first couple of months while I settle into my new job and house etc.  Would like to thank a good friend of mine who I went to school with for letting me and my girlfriend live with him and his housemates in London for the duration of my placement, although I'm not sure he knows what he's getting himself in for.  To be honest, I'm probably not the most ideal housemate for a number of reasons;
  1. I don't believe in doors.  They offend me.  All must be removed in the house before my arrival.
  2. I'm likely to play the entire works of Barry White until the early hours of the morning, you either get a love for soul, or get a love for a screwdriver in the neck.
  3. I'll be bringing my 2 pet furby's with me, Gadaffo and Isami Bin Ladi.  I try to control them, but they do have a habit of appearing in the airing cupboard when you're reaching for a fresh towel "Ahhh heheheh...play...now....yummm"
  4. I'll be tempted to operate my own international airport from the garden, although I'm sure my housemates can get discount fares to Ibiza.
  5. I'll be hosting my weekly meetings for the Womens Institute in the lounge, so if you're sexist then please leave the house during this time while we discuss knitting, moaning, moping and nagging.
Hope he's not reading this blog.

Getting a bit fed up of people thinking I'm gay.  I know I know I can be a little fruitful and perhaps a tad TOO enthusiastic at times but come off it.  I stand at the till at work with my hand on my hip and the other hand leaning on the counter and a woman says to her friend "wonder if he's gay".  What's the deal with that?!  I don't look at you with your low cut top, you're caked on make-up, your twin brats running around and your chav of a boyfriend and say "I wonder if she's on benefits"  Dumb bimbo.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a homophobe, nothing against gay people.  What has always perplexed me with gay men however is nothing more than...the tut.  By this I mean, you can be chatting to a bloke about a friend who's had a loss in their family and then all of a sudden "*tut* ooh I know *hand on shoulder*"  where has this tut come from?  Who decided that those who have been to camp 'Camp' need to add that little nugget of tongue tapping before sentences?!  It adds nothing, it just gets annoying.  If anything it just sounds like you're constantly criticising things.  Is it some sort of morse code attempt?  I don't know.  But when I start adding tuts to my exhuberant skipping and hand on my hip, THEN you may call me gay.  Who knows, maybe theres a perfect man waiting for me.....ooh chance would be a fine thing!

Hope I wasn't being offensive there.  That's not my style.  apologies if I have been.  Quick mention, want to say a huuuuge thank you to my amazing girlfriend who designed the new background for the blog.  I didn't even ask, she just did it.  Amazing.

I designed this video myself though, and it's designed to give you nightmares :p
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14 May 2011

One word lady...Go!

Like a poster for an awful military comedy film.
Tally ho!!  It's blog time chums!  I was worried that I wouldn't get one out to you tonight because the website had been down for maintenence for over a day.  Some drunk bloggy probably threw up in the website bathroom, terrible mess in there.  You're not allowed in though.  Only legendary blog writers are allowed, such as yours truly...(me).  But enough about hypothetical restrooms and vomit, ON WITH THE BLOG!

Confirmed!  I will be working in London for my work placement, after my months training in Oxford.  It's not bad, but looking for a place to live is proving to be a nightmare.  I pay £300 a month currently for this house, in London they want £450 a WEEK and thats a crap one bedroom flat in Brixton.  Come on!  It would be cheaper for me to just buy an annual pass for the tube and just sleep on the circle line all night, which could be interesting and a plausible idea if a certain fundamentalist religious group didn't want to blow me up all of a sudden because another country (no names) killed their leader, dude, guy.  Lets just refer to him as... Osama B L ...no, O Bin Laden to retain his anonymity.  So the race in on to find a house ASAP.  I'm in talks with a few contacts in and around London who may be able to help.  Thank you to all of you.

I bought a EuroMillions ticket today.  For those from other continents, EuroMillions is a lottery involving loads of countries from Europe which makes the jackpot all the better.  The jackpot tonight was like £107,000,000, and of course everyone wanted a ticket.  People amaze me, they wont buy a ticket if the jackpot is £35m but when its £107m then EVERYONE wants one.  What?  £35m isn't enough for you is it?  You have debts so massive that £35m wont settle them?  But I'm being a bit of a hypocrit as I bought one tonight when I rarely do, but thats just because I usually forget.  I came up with a plan of how I'd spend my £107m....
  1. Buy a DECENT flat for my work placement in London.  I want a good place to live for my £10-15k job.
  2. Spent a few hundred to buy the city of sunderland and then sell it to North Korea as a test site for their nuclear missles.
  3. Buy my girlfriend a new pair of shoes.
  4. Buy a ferret
  5. Buy food for ferret
  6. Buy snake as a companion for ferret.
  7. Buy gravestone for ferret
Then I'd probably just give the rest to the Christian church, on the pre-text that they leave me alone for life!  Ultimately it doesn't matter......I didn't win.

Cleaning the house tonight because we have a 'house inspection' from our landlord and lady tomorrow.  Should be great fun, especially after they fabricated these lies that our house has a mouse infestation and is a potential biohazard.  Total lies!  Not a trace of a mouse, we've even thrown cheese all over the floor to try and catch him (if he existed (if it's a he) ).  And by biohazard she was referring to bin bags full of rubbish around our house.  There was 2 bags full of RECYCLING in my room because I was TIDYING it!  But no, now that counts as a bloody biohazard?!  Anyway, so to make sure they can't say anymore of this crap, we're tidying the house really well tonight and tomorrow before they arrive.  Marco is doing the Lounge, Ricky is doing the kitchen, Ben's in Barcelona and I'm in charge of making sure that the door handles are spotless.  So far so good.  But I'm sure I'll update you on how it goes in Mondays blog.

So I leave you with this video my friends.  This happened last year.  Me and Ben were in one of our Uni's 24 hour open access centres doing some revision, when in comes 3 of our Hurn housemates who were very very drunk and annoying random people trying to do work.  Heres just one part of that night.  Catch you later Blig Blacs!
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10 May 2011

Come on dude I've got tiger blood

Last day of school...some pretty cool peeps in there
and of course...some that I'd rather not mention :p

Ahh, back from Cairo are we?  Well tell me all about it...*yawwn*...I'm bored...be quiet and let me speak.  Infact, let me preach.  Brothers and Sisters of the blogosphere!  I come to you today with a message from OUR Lord, for he has told me to tell you "get off your lazy ass and submit £10 to my heavenly office in Croyden ASAP" Simple really.  I mean come on, all Gods need money, they can do ANYTHING they like, but they still need our money.  Silly.

Ok so I've been planning my tour of Europe with the band to go see our thousands of fans.  Well...I say tour, I mean flight, I say Europe, I mean specifically Malaga in Spain, I say band, I mean me and Sarah and by thousands of fans I mean my Dad and his dog Dougal......(and the rest of my family of course).  Stupid airlines like Ryanair are making it bloody hard though. So called 'Low-cost' when it costs....well...MORE than low!  Thats not low at all is it?!  I mean what is their problem?!  I tell you what...I'm gunna gunna screw Ryanair over.  All I need is a couple of Jehovas witnesses to stand by the door of every Ryanair aircraft.  Firstly, nobody likes these creatures and will want to be as far away from them as possible, secondly, nobody wants people praying for them before they fly...suggests something bad might happen, like a collision with an angry cloud.  "GET OUTTA MY AIR!" it will shout, and then the plane will be all like "But....I need to fly through you"  and then cumulofurious will be like "You do that and I'll follow and stalk all of those baby planes that fly about"  and then you're faced with a stratuspeadophilius flock of clouds....bad times!

I got a very grumpy customer come to my till at the co-op today.  She had a big basket load of shopping and asked for a bottle of Smirnoff.  I calmly told her we were out of stock and she went all Navy Seal Geronimo on me (sorry to any Native American bloggies out there).  She dumped her basket on the till and said "This is stupid, you have no lemonade and now no Smirnoff?!"  at which point she stormed out.  Kinda stupid, because we DID have lemonade, one bottle was actually IN her basket...how she didn't realise I'll never know.  Heaven knows what would happen if next time she's at a petrol station and they're out of extra strong mints!  I'd expect her to go out and punch a badger or something...such rage.  People are silly.  Some will complain about absolutely anything just for the thrill of it.  "Your store is too hot" or "This air freshener doesn't make my house smell like a summer meadow" or "Your ear is bleeding too much"  go away you people who campaign to complain. 

Its bloody 2:30am and theres birds already chirping or 'singing'.  Singing?!  Really?  When was the last time you had an album by The Sheryl Crows or The Kaiser Chirps hit the charts?  Stupid.  Why are they awake?!  It's not as if they have a lot to get started on for the next day is it?  Birds do bugger all, they sit, they do that weird flap thing while walking about for no reason, they build nests outta twigs when the rest of us toil with heavy bricks and they go to the toilet wherever they darn well please.  Not a hard life is it.  Moreover, here's me forking out a couple of hundred quid for plane tickets, but birds?  Oh no, we'll just fly south when it gets chilly.  No tax on their flights, no full body and wing scanners at the nestport and no stupid stewardostrich to bug you into paying too much for tea.  Birds should get the same treatment as us.  That's why, tomorrow I'm going to find the nearest tree and slap a kestrel in the face...which I shall do each and everyday until they come down from there and pay their National Insurance like the rest of us. 

So here's a video made a few months ago, was just for fun but I kinda like it.  Apologies for the girl sat next to me, it's quite hard to understand what she's saying....she's American though.  Peace out Blig Blacs!
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2 May 2011

Forget a 3rd runway at Heathrow, land planes on Camerons huge forehead!

Who say's being a geek doesn't get you girls?
LISTEN! I've travelled back in time to tell you that I know where Bin Laden is!  Right you're gunna find this hard to believe but the dude's not in a dark dingy cave, no he's in a mansion!  He's sat in there playing Call of Duty and spin the bottle with his burqa babes....you know?  He's already dead?!  Bloody May Day bank holiday, must have delayed my time travel...hmmm, well I can also tell you that Newcastle will beat Birmingham on Saturday...you watch!

Well chums whats been going on?  I had an argument over the phone today with my phone insurance company.  I was given this insurance when I got my new phone just over a month ago, I didn't want it but they gave it to me anyway, so when I got home I rang them up to cancel it.  They told me they had no record of me being with them.  Low and behold I get billed TWICE by them a couple of days ago.  Not a joyful hare!  Or a happy bunny!  So I rolled up my sleeves, put on my argument hat (The kind Link wears in Zelda) and called them up.  Ahhh so my nemesis this week was called Daniel, and boy was he Irish.  I felt like he was throwing up shamrock as we spoke...whilst playing a harp.  He then saw that I did have a policy and thought I was being silly and didn't know.  So I did my suffocated hyena impression for a further 10 minutes until he agreed to refund me.  Thanks Dan, I couldn't see you but I could tell that your nasal hair needs clipping, I could hear it vibrating in time with the hold music mate.

"An apple a day keeps the Doctor away".  But that's costly.  A better solution would be "A hospital murder history keeps the Doctor away" one knife, one day....forget buying your granny smiths everyday...not practical.  Doctors freak me out, you go in there, sit in their little chair and before you've said ANYTHING they look at you like you're being pathetic and should go home and write to some crap agony aunt called Wanda in a cheap magazine.  I went to my Doc once because my legs kept going numb, and before I could explain anymore she said "Lie on the bed, trousers off".  Excuse me?!  I mean ok yes she was attractive and it would be weird if it was a man, but what was she hoping for?  "I'm just going to check your knee...hmmm yes...definately in the right place."  You cant see numbness!  So I thought she was done, but no she the decided to make it even more stupid by getting a pin and bloody prodding me with it "can you feel that?"  You're assaulting me you bloody bitch!  Get off my legs and go back to unnecessarily shining torches in my eyes and listening to my lungs work.  I like the NHS, but some Docs are better off getting stress therapy before taking it out on me.

So my landlord is currently trespassing on our rented property.  I was woken up by him at 10am shouting through the letterbox.  He knows the stairs can't argue back but he never stops trying.  No but I ignored him because I really couldn't be bothered.  So he just let himself in, which I'm sure he's not allowed to do.  So I went to meet him.  He tells me "theres water pouring out the side of your house so I'm going to have a look in your attic"  Ok thats fine, but then he starts kicking loft insulation crap down onto my face.  Better not be asbestos or I'm wheezing my way right to a solicitor...and probably back to my violent Doctor.  He then emerged, apparently fixed it then went outside to do stuff in the garden.  See he and his wife compained that we hadn't mowed the lawn, this is true.  But, for a good reason.  He gave us a manual, push along mower, you know the kind that had the blades pathetically spinning over and over.  But it was also broken and couldn't slice bread...though we never tried.  He may as well have left us a pair of blunt scissors and a contact lens to collect the trimmings in.  Tell you what, I'm going to pay next months rent with foreign currency.  Lets see how you like 3,772 Guatemalan Quetzals burning a hole in your pocket!

So I've hired my good friend from the north to make a new video for you, I know you'll love him though his voice is incredibly high.  Ciao Bliggoriffic Blooog Bluggies!

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