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7 Jun 2011

Is a locksmith a keyhole surgeon?

Toon Family XD
Probably best to start off with a witticism...whats the point in the signs that say "No Dogs except guide dogs"?  The dog cant read it and neither can the bind guy. Thats a fraction of my family in that pic on the left by the way.  A delightful bunch but they don't talk to each other anymore, ever since I wrote my will stating that some will get my stamp collections and the rest will get my huge amount of wealth.  So arguments started about how they are going to kill me.  Some wanted to stage a hippo attack, whilst the rest wanted to arrange for a German cucumber salad to poison me.  Although my lack of death is benefitting them as I'm still adding lots more stamps to that collection.

Can a leopard change its spots?  Of course if it has the money and the number of a good cosmetic surgeon.  So this is the penultimate blog before Sarah gets here Friday night.  Again to save myself from autograph hunters I'm not saying what airport,  flight or time she'll be on.  Probably should tidy my room before she gets here.  I like it messy though, it's fun to challenge yourself to cross the room without treading on cans, clothes and dead rats, getting quite good at it now.  Had a call from Al-Qaeda though as they're interested in using my cluttered room as a hiding place for their new leader.  I let him stay here for a few days to see if it would work but I cant see it happening.  His bloody backpacks take up so much room and he never does the dishes,  on top of that I cant understand what he's saying!  Would probably freak my girlfriend out too, unless I just keep him hidden and just claim that it's me yelling "Allah!" at random times during the night.  She knows I'm a randomist, so she might just go along with it.  We'll see.

Less than a month until I finish working at the Co-Op.  I'm actually going to miss that place I think.  I've made some pretty good friends there and had some pretty good times.  Nothing like fooling a scammer, busting a shoplifter and running around pretending you a have a laser.  I think that's a job that everyone should try once in their lifetime, honestly.  I've said all along that if my life was cushty and I had a lot of money, I'd have no problem working there just to have something to do.  I'd love to make my own store though.  "Mr Honour's Goody Emporium!"  and I'd operate it slightly differently, you pay £30 up front at the door and then can get 10 items free and leave.  Sounds strange doesn't it, but think about it, people have to buy petty things like bread and milk, in which case I'll make a significant profit on it, even if they do buy loads of alcohol for virtually nothing....trust me, it WILL work. I'll show you!  You'll see!  Where's your shop then?  How well is that doing?  Exactly, so shut up!  Sheesh when did my bloggy readers become so mouthy?!  Give me 20 years and my emporium will be all over the country...except sunderland ofcourse.  My store is ethical but it's not stupid.

Right so let me explain this next video.  This is a montage of videos that I recorded from my first year at uni in our halls.  Hurn House.  The crappest halls by far in terms of facilities and the look of the place, but by far the best social life.  18 students on each floor, means 17 instant friends and never a dull moment.  We got away with murder in that place, you'll see what went on in the video, although most of it is just my friend who's been locked out of his room naked...enjoy blugalugs!  I think I've cut it together quite nicely XD
video

4 Jun 2011

If time is a drug then Big Ben is a giant needle injecting it into the sky

Rat Dog
Guess who's back...back again.  Allo!  Hope everyone is ok.  Apologies for the less upbeat tone in last weeks blog, stuff was just bugging me.  However, I'm fine now and raring to go with a new superdeluper blog of giddyness and zing!  Calm down though, be patient and I'll get to it.  Can people stop asking me to do shout outs please, I don't tend to mention specific people in my blog unless I think it's absolutely necessary.  I know if I do a shout out for one person then I'll have to do it for you all, then the blog will be very boring.  Sorry but that's my policy.  You've got a better chance of being raptured on October 21st.  Oh Mr Camping, you are funny.

Verrry busy month ahead.  June is always an insane month for me.  Currently my plans involve; picking my girlfriend up to start her life here in the UK, go to the Summer Ball which should be insane, go to Spain to see my family over there, finalise my housing arrangements in London and start getting ready to move to Oxford for my month of training.  A lot.  But add to that my other standard activities of taming a jackal, recording my own sitcom and writing my weekly love letters to Lightning from Gladiators.  Hectic.  But at the end of the day I can get home, jump into the tub with my Tesco value bubble bath, chow down on the sumptuous delicate cuisine of a £1 quiche and relax listening to the music of Vivaldi on my Fisher-Price cassette player.  Now isn't that just perfection?  I know you're all probably jealous of my delicately balanced lifestyle of work, rest and play but we can't all be a superstar stud-muffin can we?

Had an awful shift at work today.  Got a terrible backache.  Most likely from necktorectomy I had earlier.  I know you're thinking "Dave?!  You removed you neck??  But after your eyes, tongue and spare ribs, that's the best part of you!"  I'm afraid it had to be done.  You see I keep getting really hungry at random times, and I though a good remedy for getting rid of my food cravings is to make the journey from mouth to stomach shorter, thus satisfying my linger of hunger faster.  There are downfalls to this however, for example should I get knocked unconscious by a crazed yak with an anger management problem, without my neck and because my wrists are covered by my sweatbands there is no way of checking my pulse.  Therefore I have prepared myself for the possibility of being buried alive, I shall take the following items with me at all times...
  1. Dog - Companion and as it will probably die before me, will make a rather comfy pillow.
  2. Packet of M&Ms - I can challenge myself to guess the colour in the dark
  3. Sudoku challenge book - Endless fun for days
  4. Guide to coping with claustrophobia - For reference
  5. First aid kit - I may be dying shortly, but I still dont want a niggling paper-cut distrupting my fun.
  6. Gun - Don't want any other premature corpses trying to steal my M&Ms and my oxygen.
All in all, the necktorectomy has both its advantages and disadvantages,  I may be buried alive but at least I wont be bored.

It's bloody hot!!  Well compared to how it has been lately.  Just being sat in my room makes me sweat more than Lucifer in a sauna.  I'm not too sure about this global warming malarky though.  They claim it's a huge problem and that we must act now to stop it getting worse.  But think about it, do you not think that our friends the Eskimo's (sorry, got to be PC here - Inuit's) really mind about global warming?  They're stuck on a terrain of ice.  Nothing to eat but Ice Cream, nothing to drink but Iced Tea.  Nothing to do but Ice skate and no music to listen to except Vanilla Ice.  BORING!  So bring on global warming, make this earth more bloody fun!!  I for one would love to see the sea levels rise a teensy bit so it engulfs sunderland and not Newcastle.  I want hurricanes to blow away the chavs littering the streets.  I want to see volcanoes erupt into oncoming planes so that when it lands safely then the passengers have a REAL reason to clap.  I hate passengers on planes who clap the pilot after every bloody landing, really does my head in.  He's just doing his job, if he didn't you'd be dead.  You don't call for an encore everytime your bus driver pulls into the depot do you?  I get so wound up by these happy clappies that I get tempted to just take it to a whole new level, following them through the airport, applauding the guys at passport control for correct use of the stamp, cheering for the security guys for feeling me up properly, and giving the baggage trolley a big hand for not exploding.  Ridiculous.

Enough ranting, time for bed me thinks.  I always write these very late at night, but that's when I'm in the zone for spitting out drivvel - I know you love it.  Unfortunately no video tonight as my latest one needs a re-edit.  It's filmed and everything, just needs a few things sorted.  However feel free to browse the archive of past blogs for your pleasure.  Much love Blurg Blecks!