Are you deaf?......It's a simple question yes or no.

Listen to me carefully doggy.
You need tongue reduction surgery

Jumping Jehovas!!!  You shouldn't sneak up on me like that.  What if I'd been carrying a pot of steamed salmon?!  I could have dropped the hot fishy on an elderly man called Alf!  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!......oh you just want a new blog.  Well ok but there are better ways to go about it.  This is out of rhythm with the usual pattern of monday and Friday nights, but I had a lot of work to do on Monday night so it was delayed.  Forgive me,

Right so another email from my placement peeps, they'll be confirming where I'll be residing in the next couple of days I think.  So like an astronomer with nothing better to do, watch this space.  Just to also let you know, my Mum's gone to Cuba today for a holiday.  She randomly just decides to book holidays, it's insane.  I wasn't even told about this one until my sister told me.  I'm going to have serious words about this unplanned holiday planning, it will probably go something like this "вы бедный человек получили достаточный салат в вашем саде" which if she's as well travelled as I think she is, she will understand to mean "you havent got enough lettuce in your garden"  She'll get the message

It's that time of year again when people get hay fever.  For the uneducated readers out there, or as I call them, "'Slovakians" this is an allergy to pollen.  Its typical symptoms include a runny nose, sneezing, itchy eyes and fatigue.  Less common symptoms are a lack of stomach, loss of ability to use torches and left-handedness.  I haven't got it yet which I'm happy to say, I used to get it really badly.  Maybe it's because I used to live in the countryside, now im in a more urban area.  This means there is less rape (the hay fever causing plant) and more rape (the pregnancy causing taboo), so a bag of mixed blessings there.  I thought of a range of remedies for hay fever in my late 30's, it ranged from decapitation of the nose, to lying in a pool of molten ice or a "bath" as I trademarked it.  Neither were too successful, but then I came up with the idea of eliminating the cause.  I hired 5,000 vegetarians to simply eat all the pollenating plants in the UK.  This had a number of impacts.  Firstly, crime went down as less people were beating each other up for being vegetarian.  Dental health improved as canine teeth no longer needed to be used as veggies have nothing to use them on, therefore they lasted longer.  And finally, people with hay fever stopped suffering.  I thought i'd win the nobel peace prize for providing 5,000 people with free food.  Unfortunately that prize had already gone to Jesus a few years back with his loafs and fishes caper.  Pfft, what a load of nonsence, to start with, who was counting these people?  They didn't have calculators back then!  Secondly, Jesus himselft wasn't part of that 5,000 and got no food so he went hungry, no wonder he was so bloody skinny. 

Speaking of the Bible, we're nearly out of toilet paper, must get some more.  I've never understood toilet paper.  They print it with nice flower patterns and give it sweet names like Velvet, Cushelle and give us pictures of cuddly puppies.  I'm sorry, lets not forget what its fundamental use is.  Get back to basics people.  Also, isnt a lot of toilt paper made from recycled newspaper?  Yet when was the last time you saw Wayne Rooney's car crash of a face in your bog roll?  Never, all lies.  Speaking of lies, I would like to make a statement about this dreadful rumour that I break into old peoples homes and cut the brakes on their wheelchairs just so that they plap into the wall when racing to the lunchroom.  Categorically untrue, I don't break in, I disuise myself as the grim reaper, I'm always expected so they let me straight in.

Right so I've got my Froggy friend Davide to film a special message about his thoughts on the Royal Wedding on Friday.  He's a littl eccentric but we love him anyway.  Enjoy peeps!!

Life is like a box of screws, boaring.

Summer Ball last year, bring on JUNE!!!

Hula Hanoola!!!  How is everybody? No!  Really?  That's interesting!  Keep me updated on that.  So, very sorry that this blog is a little later than usual, no sweat, Monday's blog will be out as usual.  Just had some technical difficulties.  I thought my laptop had a virus so I gave it some cough syrup and gave it a nice warm bath.  It stopped working shortly after that...bloody virus.

Ok so I have an update for you.  As for my location of residence from July onwards, it IS NOT confirmed but it looks like it may be London.  Not sure how I feel about it yet, I did have my heart set on Oxford but I have a placement at a good company so I cant really complain.  I'm also looking into maybe going to Spain to see my Dad at the start of June (he lives there for those of you who don't know...jealous much?...ok, dont go all Kurt Cobain on me).

They don't even wear uniforms! Poor Service

 

 

In preparation for looking at going to Spain, I started looking at flights.  I'm generally quite good at finding the best flights I can for the best price.  But bloody hell, I couldnt believe it when I found that Ryanair are taking the mick even more than usual.  Yeah they offer crap service and try and get money off you at any opportunity, but it's past a joke now.  I looked at some prices today, and not only have they increased the "online booking fee" (which isn't optional because its the only way you can book!) to £6 but now they've introduced a £2 per flight fee to get money back because of last years volcano crisis.  Its so stupid.  SO!  In my clever little way, I've decided to set up my OWN airline.  North Of Southen 'Emisphere airways, or NOSE Airways.  It will cost hardly anything to use, but there are certain conditions that you must agree to in order to fly:

1. No Amputees.  These people become hazards if they are needed to open an emergency exit.
2. No Lithuanians.  These people are fictional.  Think about it...have you ever met one?
3. Maximum of 1 child under 5 may be stored in the cargo hold
4. Pets are allowed, but must be at least 7 rows apart from any travelling taxidermists.
5. Still water can't be served after take-off, it starts shaking immediately, thus preventing stillness.

Everybody knows that Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.  This is historically accurate, but did anyone question whether or not this particular yolk folk was paying its taxes correctly?  He may have been sat on the wall to evade the taxman (who has a bad neck and cant look up).  Surprisingly, there are few mixed race eggs around anymore too.  This may have been due to this scheme of separating the yolks from the whites...racial.  The point remains however that these beings should still have the same duties as us post-embryo people.  Therefore I decree that any egg avoiding tax from now on must be surrounded by soldiers and placed in a cup shaped cell until he cracks and tells all.  JUSTICE

Ok so I made a new video for you.  I can't take all the credit, this one was infact my GIRLFRIEND's idea.  I emphasise girlfriend because many of you may question my sexuality after watching it.  I also apologise because the recording cut out randomly so some of it is missing, probably for the best.  Nontheless, enjoy my bliggy blooogsss!

Carpe Dentum - Seize the teeth

Best year of my life

Howdy!  Well I know you're anticipating the first video mesage that I've made.  Don't worry, it's here.  It's at the bottom of the blog, I hope you enjoy it, although you probably wont, it's just a bunch of randomness thats strangely cut together.  But then again, so is this blog and you keep returning to this dont you?  Silly gazebo!

Right, so as of 17:48:04 on 18th April 2011 I still do not know where I'll be living on my work placement!  If it turns out I'm in London then it's going to be hectic but interesting watching the city prepare for the Olympics, on the other hand, Oxford just built a new public toilet in the city centre, a big waste if you ask me.  Once I find out, you'll be the first to know (After my girlfriend and my family, naturally) so don't you fret!!  Silly clothespegs!

I am considering whether or not it would be feasible to become a ledgetarian.  This is someone who no longer wishes to stand on the floor easily, and prefers to stand on steps, footpath curbs, the edge of tables and tightropes.  I came up with the concept of ledgetarianism back in the '60s when I was walking along through a meadow and I tripped over.  The congregation of farmers ridiculed me for centuries and I've never gotten over that tourment.  Thusfore if I was to undertake becoming a ledgtarian, should I trip over again, I would fall off the ledge of wherever I was standing and could then blame my fall on the ledge itself, thus preventing myself from humilation and ego slaughter.  Not only that but it's always much more exhilarating to live life on the ledge.  Innovation.

Gotta love England

THE ROYAL WEDDING IS COMING!!  I've become such a patriot. "HEY!  Other countries!!  Do YOU have loads of bank holidays this month?!  No, didn't think so!  Ha!"  I've stolen flags from the BNP and put them in my windows, got a carboard cutout of Will and Kate in my bathroom so I can pretend that I am having a Royal toothbrushing every evening.  I've also bought a ginger wig and commonly pretend to be Prince Harry delivering his Best Man speech "I'm so delighted to be Billy boy's best man, me and this crazy cat used to spend hours playing Mario Kart together, and now he's marrying this fine piece of tottie!  Check you out Bro!!"  Would go down a treat.  I've even adopted 54 Corgi's to run around my garden in dedication to HRH, and re-dubbed my house Buckingham Pound.  Prince Charles is coming round later for a pint, think we're going clay gibbon shooting too.  He's such a laugh, get a few ales down him and he's running around with a traffic cone on his head all night. Chazza you legend!

So watch the vid, let me know what you think.  Quick mention to one of the finest young actors of his generation, Harry Butson.  You're hilarious buddy.  But to the rest of you, thanks for your support, until next time, instead of a single coco pop, its a cheerio for now.

Pony action!!!

The night before Tripoli...

Hey you, with the glue in your hair.  How are you?  Been busy?  I haven't, but since when has that ever stopped me writing an award winning blog....ok maybe not award winning but who wants awards anyway?  You cant use them for anything, except an expensive paperweight.  The point is that this blog is viewed across 5 continents in countries such as China, Singapore, Hungary, Norway, Bahrain, South Africa etc.  This blog has travelled more than the people reading it, I don't know how it gets the money to do it.

Soooo.  Was hoping to tell you where I'd be living next year by today, but haven't found out yet.  Soon hopefully.  Going to start looking at places to live as soon as I know, was thinking along the lines of a house-boat, but permanantly moored...miles inland so that people will think that I'm preparing for a massive flood...Noah style...and then everyone will flee!  Maybe I'll then get a raise for taking on everyone elses jobs...and for innovation.  Worth a try....right?

Why does post take so long to get to places?!  Its a letter, a small letter.  I pay you, you take it, you put it in car, you tell Nathaniel (or "Natty) to drive it to the neuuuurrrrn neurrrrn (plane sound) so he does, you tell him to give it to Captain Fedex and he does his plane thing all the way to the other country then hand delivers it to where I want it to go...thats how it works!  But no, this usually takes a week at least and sometimes never even arrives.  The postal depot must essentially be a kind of Deal or No Deal type scenario, with crafty posties opening everyones sealed boxes and parcels, hoping to find money.  It's fine until they open the one made by a Yemeni terrorist....*ring ring* its the banker...."you've lost your limbs....muppet".  Take that Postman Pat, and Meg...don't think just because you're his cat that you can get away with it, oohhh no!  It's the acidic litter tray for you. 

Went into town yesterday and did some grocery shopping at Associated Dairies (or ASDA to you youngens, or Wal-Mart to you Yanks) and  I went into the in-store Macdonalds.  I was served by a guy called (no word of a lie) Simba...he was a delightful fellow...but as I left with my food I did give him some brilliant advice "watch out for your Uncle".  He looked confused.

Anwyay, so I went dashing through the Aisles which were chocked full of countless goods at ridculously low-low prices.  The last thing I picked up was a 4pack of beer, you know, for the dogs water bowl.  I went to pay at the self service checkout (which is nonsense, because never have I done that without needing one of those assistance fairies floating around to sort the bloody machine out)  anyway so I scan my beer and it wants approval that I'm old enough to buy it.  The fairy floats over, 'Steven'.  He looks at the basket and said "Thats the problem, the beer".  I said "Yes, can you approve it for me please?"  He then laughed in my face and said "No mate, you cant buy that, you've got to be 18"  at which point my fun starts.   "Ahhahahahaha!  I see, silly me (yes I did do this) here's me thinking i was 18 when I'm 19 and nearly 20.  What am I like?"  he didn't seem impressed and said "Well where's your ID?"  I then pointed out that I'd been holding it out to him the whole time.  Still not convinced that I was old enough, the old boy says "Well to me you look younger than this so i'll have to call my supervisor over"  so in kind I said "Yes please do, maybe they have a clue what the hell they're doing"  Then the supervisor came and looked at my ID and said "yeah that's fine"  I smiled sweetly at Steven in a Billy Gloat fashion and walked off with my beer.  If he was a bunny, he wouldn't be a happy one.  Idiot.

Just checked my email again and still no response for where I'll be living yet, hopefully will have the answer for you by Monday.  Stay strong in anticipation my chums.  But like an investigation into a death at Sea World, Seal Ate Her.

The skin of a camel is not to be tampered with

Letting girls put make-up on my face doesnt help my
"I'm not gay" campaign.  Still...I look pretty

Hello my little blog bunnies!  What's that?  You want a new blog or you'll kill a leopard?  Well fine, here's a blog for you.  'Tis Monday evening afterall.  But dont think that you can boss me about into doing just about anything for you, i'm still refusing to fulfil your wish of inventing a supersonic goose, it's just not needed!  Cool, but not needed.  Give it a millenium or two.

So I'm still at home in Cambridgeshire as I have been since Friday.  Has been a tickle of delight to see my Mum for her birthday and spend time with the fam.  I will say though, got an email from my landlord today saying that they inspected our house without our permission.  Cheeky so and so.  Thats ridiculous.  Sure she owns the place, but i'm pretty sure that the decent thing to do would be to make sure that we are fully aware that they will be visiting.  Instead, they snuck in and snooped around like some sort of private panther, digging through our stuff to find problems with the house.  I tell you, I cant wait until I'm outta that house, nobody else seems to have these problems with their landlords.  What if i'd been shearing a cat?  eh?  Landlord them comes sauntering in and "THIS HOUSE IS A STATE!"...well yes!  I'm shearing a cat!  It's gunna be messy!  Come round when I'm randomly hosting a housekeeping class and THEN comment.  Muppets.

If another person I pass in the street asks me "Excuse me, but are you Persian?" then I will get very angry.  Not only have I never been to Persia, but I signed a petition against people having their ethnicity mistaken.  It's WRONG!  If you're a tiny elf from Istanbul, you expect to be treated as such.  Get it sorted.  Speaking of getting things sorted, I've been arranging my collection of collections.  It's all alphabetised from my collection of Abstract darts to my collection of dissolvable phone chargers.  They all mean a hell of a lot to me, not to mention, I am of course the holder of the largest collection of elastic toothbrushes, designed for people with teeth that go all the way down their throats.  A rarity, but I'm sure someone will need them, and then who's the one with the worlds supply?  Me, and who's the one thats gunna stop you getting throat decay?  Me.  Not so stupid after all eh?

They say, the pen is mightier than the sword.  But then, actions speak louder than words...so what the hell is right!?  My theory is to stab someone and see if them shouting "OUCH THAT BLOODY HURT" causes you to die before them.  Simple experiment, but one that will undoubtedly end all discussion.  Speaking of stabbing, I'll find out this week if i'll be living in London or Oxford next year.  Fingers crossed for Oxford, nothing much against London, I just was amazed by Oxford.  Also, Oxford is nearer the centre of England and will be a perfct place to unleash my race of super tramps, they will beg, they will plead, they will play the piano for money...once they can afford to buy a piano.  They will fill every seat on the tube until you pay them to get up, they will stand on every step of every escalator in every mall, just going up and down again, until you pay them to make room for you, then the money will all come back to me.  I will then pay my tramps with smiles...and saw dust.  I'll be richer than triple dark chocolate whipped cream on a bed of syrup and a side of cardiac arrest.

Many people have come to me lately saying that they read my blog, thank you guys.  Can't see this ending any time soon so dont you fret.  But tell your friends, and your enemies because they'll probably like it too.  But it's time to give Saddam his dinner, so I'll feed Husein....work it out.

Bye Bloggies!!!

Gotta love this

I think we can all agree, Santa isn't Islamic

Student Traffic with my fellow Hurnies last year.
XD

Ahh, surprised you didn't I.  Bet you didn't think you'd be waking up today to see this blog but alas here it is.  I'm travelling back home to Cambridgeshire today and I'm actually typing this whilst sat on my coach, I'm the only one on it...aside from the driver, but law dictates that I shalt not distract his attention whilst the vehicle is in motion.  Thank god we're in a traffic jam, I'm doing a puzzle with him, it makes up a picture of a happy zebra, but shhh, he doesn't know that yet.  Tee hee!

So Dave, why are you leaving your beloved Btown?  The place that will one day honour you with unlimited permission to raise a swarm of friendly bees anywhere you like?  Well dear readers, it is my Mum's birthday, so I'm heading back with my sister today and will be back in Cambridgeshire for 5 days.  Now....oh come on, don't cry.  No it's fine, put down the rope, it's not worth it.  I'll be back on Tuesday my chums, calm your nobbly knees down!  However, whilst I'm away, I would thank you to not go to my house in a hope that you can rummage through my room for valuable Honourabilia, you wont.  It's currently being hired out by the council to be used as excess landfill space, hence the mess...nothing I can do.

I know what you're thinking, "but Dave, with you ot of town, who will look after the co-op?!"  Calm down dear.  I've appointed Stephen Hawking to watch over it in my stead.  He's a good worker, knows his way around the cosmos...and the aisles, he deterrs shoplifters by attaching a javelin to the front of his go-kart chair thingy, he's good at communicating with customers with his warm velvety voice, and he's always gives service with a smile.  He's already told me that asking customers for their membership cards is much more of a thrill than looking into the theory of multiple dimensions.  I will say this though, he's very slow at bagging.   I think I've been controvercial enough there...

I've been thinking, if we all got together and pooled a lot of money to make the world a better place, I'll buy the gun to kill Cameron.  Ok maybe not kill, but I will shoot him in the leg, lets see how much he wants to cut the NHS then, and whilst you're in your wheelchair, you'll see how your access ramps lead into empty pits of despair where libraries used to be.  That's alright though because you dont need to worry about education, you're a politician.  When I'm Prime Minister, I'll make sure that parks will have more ducks in them, and Sunderland is sliced off from this island and allowed to drift over to Japan, to absorb any future tsunamis, they wont care, it rains enough there as it is.  Now doesn't that sound like a much better alternative to the ConserviCrats we have now.  I'll also aim to build a new giant fish for the whole world to enjoy, all part of my mission to make the Earth a better plaice...pun there.

So there you go, my first blog in transit.  Worship me all you like.  But like when you turn to dog food when you're out of money, it's Chow for now.

Moo :)

Don't you think you might have ADHD?

Yes our faces say it all, Lick, Stroke, Garlic, Bread. 
If you don't get it, chances are you are normal.

Let me sleep!  I'm bloody tired!  Yes I know it's a day later but I am shattered.  But noo, you guys have been complaining that there is no Monday night blog, so I'm doing it ok?  It's here!  Bloody ungrateful so and so's, you get this amazing comedy service for free you know?  Ugh...

Right, so the reason I'm so tired is because I was up all of Sunday night after work finishing my essay.  No, I didnt sleep at all until after I'd handed it in at 10am.  So I've been recovering.  Have sympathy please, your favourite muppet is suffering.  I've noticed a worrying increase in the amount of people purchasing long-life UHT milk at the co-op.  One can only take a stab at what they're planning....to make the biggest omelette in the world.  But this wont be just any old omelette, it wont be wholesome and delicious.  No, it will be evil, arrogant and very very right-wing.  We cannot allow this to happen, so I need you guys to go out and buy some of my new comedy clothing range as we all know that omelettes have no sense of humour.  Alternatively, give me the money and I'll sort it all out from my new house in Ibiza.  Speaking of Ibiza, what ever happened to the Vengaboys?  Hope they're ok...

Swasticookies

"NONSENSE!! GIBBERISH!! PATHETIC FILTH!!"  No, I'm not thinking up names for my child (who will be called Bert) No, that was what the Daily Mail called my new book 'The life of Adolf Hitler - From Fuhrer to Silly Billy" it was just a few transcripts from my days of being Addy's campaign manager.  The swastika?  My idea.  It was originally meant to be a little secret sign between me and the Adster which we'd show to each other if we were thinking about an amusing joke about a turtle.  It rarely happened so we expanded its use.  It caught on which is good; flags, tatoos, badges, even some went as far as having them engraved onto engagement rings and on the front of millions of baby birth cards "It's a boy!...but its a Jew, hard luck."  These were usually delivered shortly before a "Sorry about your loss" card arrived days later.  Hey we may have been cruel, but Adsky was amazing, he was like a father to me, he made world class gazpacho soup with his world class Gestapo.  And of course, Hitler coined his famous phrase "When the going gets tough, the tough gets Göring".  Hysterically Historical.

So enough about the Nazis, or the BNP as they're known now.  My fellow sapiens, I urge you to read more.  I've noticed a surprising decline in the amount of people reading.  Train carriages are becoming a place of chatter, oak trees are no longer being sat against, airport terminals are being bombed, and libraries are being closed down...I assume because of a lack of readers...or is this your doing Cameron?...Topical.  No but I mean it, we've stepped on our bookworms and made our geeks cool.  A staggering 99.7% of people who read regularly are aged 70+ and have been on the same page for 10 years because they've forgotton what they've just read every few lines.  I dont mean to offend old people, doensn't matter though, they're not likely to be reading this are they, and if they are then they'll have forgotten what I just said soon.  That's something we all have to look forward to..happy days :)

Just wanted to say thank you to all those who have said such nice things about my blog.  It's now reached its 11th country and more and more people are reading.  If you have any comments then leave them at the bottom of the posts if you have a blogger account, if not then message me on facebook chums!

Well enough Gibberish, which is an actual dialect from Gibraltar...along with Gibba Jabba.  I'll be heading home on Friday for a few days.  I have my new interview in London on Thursday remember, I'm sure you all wish me luck.  I'm not sure if i'll get a blog out on Friday night, but i'll make up for it if not.  So like an expired piece of meat...I'm off.

This is from our second Hall Wars, I appear too many times.  HURN!!

It's dangerous to go alone, take this...

Drawing of me and my Longsands friends, drawn by Hayley.
I'm the one on the top right, with the massive smile.

Hey...hey you!  Oi!!  Are you going to read this blog or arent you?  Right, well pay full attention.  I know it's April Fools day but that doesn't give you the right to go around biting vacuum cleaners.  Well we have a lot to talk about today, let me clear my throat "err hmhmhmhmmhmhm"  there we go, and here we go....

NEWS!!  I got an email yesterday from those I had that interview with a week ago today, and they're going to be giving me an offer!  Success!  I have a placement sorted, well providing that i'll accept their terms.  I will accept no less than two 30 minute lunch hours, I'm sorry but it's just the times we're in.  Secondly, I want an assistant, not to help me with my work, but to sit on my desk and tell tales of a boat that hit an iceberg and sank.  Sounds sad doesnt it?  But theres a happy ending; one rich girl...who's love she met on the boat... she doesn't die, but gets made a member of the cabinet office and later builds a glass house to keep her greetings cards in.  Brilliant right?!  I know.  But no, they've asked me to go and have yet another interview with them, this time in London and with the CEO.  It's still not decided if I will reside in Oxford or London, though I really want Oxford.  London is more expensive, Oxford is nicer...hard choice really.

So uni has finished, for now.  3 weeks off then nothing to do until the end of May as I have 2 exams.  But unfortunately I still have 1 assignment due next because of my 2 week extension.  Grrr.  But I'm thinking of trying to get another extension on it, if I can flood the uni with cattle over the weekend, then they may forgive me for handing it in late.  After all, nine out of ten people don't like cattle.  As for my free time, I know what you're all thinking "Dave, we know you're so caring, but you dont have to travel to Brazil to fund raise for the Rio carnival again"  well if you say so...fine.  How about I stay in Bournemouth, carry on working at the co-op, and do sod all else?   "OH DAVE!!! You're so amazing!  How did you know thats what we wanted you to do?!  You're so smart, we think you should be new CEO of BP!"  Oh you guys, you're so flattering.  But no, I don't think I should be the new CEO of BP, I'm not slick enough.  Satire.

I bought 2 tickets for Sarah and I for the summerball in June today.  For those of you who don't know, the summerball is a huge festival for thousands of BU students...I'm sure there will be a disk jockey, ethanol enhanced bevarages and jitterbugging.  Naw, i'ts amazing, but we dont know the line up yet.  Last year we couldn't get our first choice artist so had to go to Plan B...play on words there.  (Plan B is a singer by the way for those across the seas).  It ends at 5:30 am with everyone gathering on the beach for the 'survivors photo' and the mourning of those who didnt' survive.  Funeral directors love the summer ball.  Speaking of death, I have a funny feeling the Queen will die this year, not being harsh I just have a feeling.  After all, Gadaffi needs a new place to stay and I cant imagine he'd want her around telling him not to leave his empty coffee mugs all around the place.  Believe me, that guy must drink a LOT of coffee, I mean have you seen his face?  Theres no chance he's ever slept since being conceived, he looks like a deflated beach ball thats been stuffed into a tuna can and then set on fire by some rebel.  Topical.

Thank you to all my bloggies, you've helped spread this blog to over 10 countries, whats more is that readership in March was 184% higher than in February.  Amazing.  Thank you all.  But like a chip shop out of curry sauce, its Tartare for now.

Video for the SummerBall last year SOOO GOOOD